Sundays with Stretchy Pants

I love a study that tells me what I want to hear. Really, I do. And here’s a great one about video games! It shatters-shatters!-stereotypes. Video games are probably one of the most fretted about things in the life of a parent these days. The violence, the time “wasted,” the lack of social interaction, the murderous toddlers, etc. But, lookie:

Major New Study Shatters Stereotypes About Teens and Video Games

Game playing is universal, diverse, often involves social interaction, and can cultivate teen civic engagement

…

“We need to focus less on how much time kids spend playing video games and pay more attention to the kinds of experiences they have while playing them,” noted Prof. Joseph Kahne, Director of the Civic Engagement Research Group at Mills College, and co-author of the report.

Does this study make me believe that it’s ok for an 8 year old to play Grand Theft Auto? No. Nothing will convince me that that’s ok. I guess I’m just traditional in the sense that I think 8 year olds should learn about bl0w jobs and h00kers the old-fashioned way. You know, by seeing their favorite college football player get arrested for that kind of thing. Check out this post about the GTA issue (and for some great links for parents) and make sure you read the wisdom and whack-jobbery in the comments section.

I’m not huge on controlling the screen time around here, but that’s not to say that I don’t have anxiety about it. If I feel anxious, though, I usually try to engage them in other activities rather than arbitrarily tell them to turn it off. I also feel better when I really look at how they’re playing. Lena and Liberty interact with each other in a pleasant way when they’re sharing a video game. They help each other along the way, and they compete in a fun way instead of in an obnoxious resentful-of-each-other way. I also remind myself that it’s ok if “play” looks different than it did 30 years ago. It’s ok. And if none of that works to take away my anxiety, I just scream, “TURN IT OFF! YOU’RE ROTTING YOUR BRAIN!” until they cry. It’s not a perfect system.

A couple of months ago, there was a Mario Kart DS tournament at a local library. It was for ages 10 and up, but I tried to sneak my 9 year olds in. (I’m a rebel because of all that Atari I played in the 80s.) I tried to sneak them in, but I couldn’t come right out and lie when the library lady asked how old they were. I said very hopefully, “They’re in 4th grade and they’ll be 10 next April,” It didn’t work because she was an educated woman and she very patiently said, “It’s for 10 and UP, not 10 and UNDER.” And then she showed me a number line and demonstrated how 9 is LESS THAN 10. Library workers are so patient with the differently-abled. So Lena and Liberty were allowed to stay and watch, but only their 10-year-old cousin and 11-year-old friend were able to be part of the tournament.

When we walked into the tournament room, I was immediately afraid. Because of the teenagers. There’s something about a bunch of gaming teens that makes me scared. But then a couple of the teens spotted Lena’s Naruto skin on her DS and struck up a conversation with her about all things Naruto and DS. And when the tournament started, the bigger kids proceeded to root for and help out the 11 year old and 10 year old. They weren’t a bunch of murderous douche bags! And now I have a study to help me understand why.

Do I wish Lena and Liberty would play more card games with me? Of course. But they find it booooriiinnngggg *whine, stomp*! On the flip side, do they wish I would play more video games with them? Yes. But there are so many buutttonnnnnss! Do I need to realize that there is no point to family game night if I’m only building bad, boring memories for the children? Um, yeah, that might be good. Do I need to realize that family game night can include family video games? Uh-huh. Do I need a Wii? Yes, please. The study proves it.

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Is anyone else being haunted by the ghost of Marion Jones while watching the Olympics this year? All these broken records and whatnot? I was so happy for her and so proud of her 8 years ago in Syndey, and then she got busted for steroids. *sigh* And now, while I’m very happy to see Michael Phelps excelling, I just have a little bit of a trust issue because of Marion. Anybody else?

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Here’s a really good reason to start eating at McDonald’s again: They’re being boycotted by the American Family Association because they are committed to the gay and lesbian community. I wonder if they made it official with a commitment ceremony, or if they’re just going around wearing wedding bands? Here’s a link to Wonkette’s commentary on the boycott, complete with the best ever comments. Don’t worry, there’s a link to the actual boycott site on the Wonkette page, but I’m not linking to the boycott because you never know who’s reading my blog and I would hate for someone to click over to the boycott page and actually sign the petition without first reading about how retarded they are for signing the petition.

Disclaimer: I don’t skip McDonald’s because of any philosophical beliefs about the way they treat their meat animals, or because of any health risks that eating there might cause. No, if I still lived in Chesaning, I would still be eating McNuggets. The only reason I don’t eat there anymore is because, why would choose their fast food if I could get fast food at Panera or Chipotle? That would be crazy!

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Oh great, I gotta pre-empt my Budweiser post because The New Yorker is being stupid.

You know what? I know The New Yorker’s cover is supposed to be satirical and all that, but they are not taking into account all of the people who will see the cover and not understand the satire. (”Satire? Is that one of them half-man/half-beast thingies?” No, that’s a satyr. “Satyr? Is that one of them Jew parties?” No, that’s a seder. “Seder? Is that one of them jokes that goes over my head ever’ damn time?”) These are people who would never buy The New Yorker. Instead they’ll just see the cover and say, “See? I told ya. I’ma write a email and send it to all my friends.”

Recently, I expressed to an in-law that I really like that Michelle Obama and he replied, “Well, she doesn’t like you cuz yer a white lady.” Yup, that’s what people think. Smart, powerful black lady is out to get all us white people. Scary! Read smarter people talk about it better here. And other places, but I don’t have time to link every-damn-where.

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I wrote about this before, but it still annoys me. The AP is again talking about the fact the people like to complain about the book And Tango Makes Three. Ignorance annoys me. And ignorance for the sake of the children annoys me with the power of a thousand suns. The parents who complain about this kind of book are the same type of parents who can’t bring themselves to talk about s3x* with their children, or even call their body parts by the appropriate names, instead giving them nicknames like woo woo or whatzit. Ridiculous. If you can’t say the word p3nis* to your son, good luck. Good effing luck with your head in the sand. That’s the kind of thing that puts the subject of reproduction (or *gasp* intercourse for purposes other than reproducing!) on a very high shelf, which makes it more intriguing and more attractive and then the kids find out about an awesome book like It’s So Amazing and find themselves feeling ashamed, but titillated. That is not a healthy combination. Pretty soon, because they got a taste of this forbidden subject, they’re desperate for more and since they can’t get their curiosity satisfied in a healthy way, by asking their parents about it and being provided with good age-appropriate books on the subject, that’s where p0rn from the neighbor or the dad’s stash comes in really handy (because, mark my words, the households who protest so much are the households where the dad definitely has a stash that his wife probably doesn’t even know about). And it’s not a good idea to learn about the birds and the bees from materials that are not age-appropriate and do not treat s3x as the important thing that it is. Can you say, deviant behavior?

S3x is a normal part of life and should be discussed as such with people. Children are people, just in case you didn’t know. And they have reproductive organs, even if you don’t want to believe it. Homosexuality is a normal part of life for some people and if kids were allowed to learn about it, they might feel they could come out with dignity and love, or if they’re not gay, they would be able to give their gay friends dignity and love when they come out, then we’d have less Ted Haggard situations in the world. Yeah, heaven forbid your child should be allowed to feel that his homosexual feelings are ok. It’s better if he tries to deny them and gets married and has 5 kids only to be living on the down low and blowing apart his life and his wife and kids’ lives in the process. Messy. But at least you didn’t have to explain homosexuality to a child. Horrors.

*Because there is so much deviant behavior in the world, caused by stoopid parents who won’t provide their children with non-judgemental information about one of the most normal things in life, I have to type those kinds of words like that so the deviants who google certain things don’t stumble upon my site. Stop being stoopid. And buy some books for your kids. Then let them read them whenever they want so it takes the mystery away and it becomes no big deal instead of this thing to simultaneously covet and feel ashamed about. You can start by calling their parts by the right names because if you can say those words, it’s much easier to say all of the other things you need to say over the course of a lifetime of parenting.

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I like tv that gots killin’ in it and whatnot, and when I watch it on AMC, I can feel like a smarty.

AMC is showing re-runs of season 1 of Breaking Bad and it is the best show on tv right now. Maybe second best next to a show Dawn introduced us to: Randy Jackson’s America’s Best Dance Crew (careful with that link, depending on what ad MTV is running, it could be NSFW, unless you work at Hooters).

Don’t judge my tv tastes by the fact that I like a show on MTV. Breaking Bad is good, I swear. I’ve only seen 1.3 episodes, but it has the dad from Malcolm in the Middle in it playing a boring science teacher with inoperable lung cancer who decides to cook and sell meth (I don’t know why because I didn’t see the entire pilot. I’m sure he has a good reason.) It’s an excellent show all on its own, but I think picturing my own high school science teacher cooking meth and very clumsily handling a gun makes it that much more entertaining.

My science teacher was, like most nerds, a bit socially awkward. His face was expressionless. Always. His speaking voice was expressionless. Always. And his lectures were boring as the day is long. Always. There was no Bill Nye the Science Guy at CHS. Nerds are one thing, but boring nerds? Come on. Mr. Reer looked like Wolf Blitzer, only even uglier with a constant stream of halitosis-ized spittle on his lips and facial hair. Disgusting. His breath and slobber were so bad and made such an impression on me that I just gagged a little bit when I typed that. During one class, when a smart-ass kid thought he would be funny by offering him a Tic Tac, Mr. Reer said in the flattest affect you have ever heard, “Why would I want a Tic Tac? That would ruin my bad breath,” and then he stood there waiting for an answer. The kid was like, “uh, yeah, I guess you’re right,” and slinked away in shame, never to be heard from again. Somehow, Mr. Reer (what an unfortunate name for a teacher) tricked somebody into marrying him and they had a son who was around my age. I remember just looking at that kid and being absolutely fascinated by the fact that he had this dad with this terrible condition and wondering things like, do they talk about the halitosis at the dinner table? When Mr. Reer would read bedtime stories, would he wear a mask if the boy just couldn’t handle the smell? Does his wife just not care about the smell or do they never, ever kiss? Does Mr. Reer get sad about his breath? I mean, 5 feet away, in normal conversational tones, his breath was like a brick wall. I think I’m trying to say that he had bad breath. And he was boring. I don’t know why his home life still fascinates me to such a degree, but when I watch Breaking Bad I find myself hoping, really hoping that Mr. Reer had some sort of secret life like Bryan Cranston’s character. And maybe that secret life was so exhausting and all-consuming that he couldn’t bring himself to brush his teeth, let alone show a hint of emotion during the school day. Poor disgusting Mr. Reer. I hope he was the mastermind behind Saginaw County’s big gypsum weed scare in the 80s. (I couldn’t find any news clips about that, but I seem to remember our local anchors leading with, “Kids is gettin’ high from the weeds in the ditch!”)

Anyway, Breaking Bad on AMC. Good show. Some killing. Some recreational drug use. Some nerd stuff, but not the boring kind. Very educational.

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Oh, Sally Kern. Don’t you know that the Bible says lots of silly things that shouldn’t be taken so darn seriously? It is offensive when you say that homosexuals are a bigger threat to this country than terrorists. People don’t like that. You also said, “According to God’s word, that is not the right kind of lifestyle.” Maybe next time you give a hateful speech, you should focus on what is the right kind of lifestyle according to God’s word. This might save you some time, too, because sometimes listing the things that are apparently abhorrent to God takes such a long time. I mean, the list could get pretty long what with Leviticus outlining all of the different types of handicapped people that are not allowed near God. Who has that kind of time? To get you started, here is a partial list of activities that, according to God’s word, encompass the “right kind of lifestyle.”

• Murder (mostly illegal, but in the right context, it’s totally ok. Moses, Samson, I’m talking to you)
• Genocide (it’s important to remember to kill not only the men, but the women, children and animals too. Joshua, Moses, Saul, you little scamps)
• Incest (Abraham and Sarah? I can see you blushing from here. Don’t worry, you’re hardly alone.)
• Polygamy and concubines (adultery is a no-no, but if you have a concubine or some bonus wives, that’s quite different)
• Slavery (especially ok if you’re selling your daughter to pay off a debt)

I’m just saying. Maybe people will respond to you more favorably (i.e. less death threats) if you tell them what God likes instead of what He doesn’t like. Try that next time and let me know how it all turns out. Take care!

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I voted for Obama and most of Ohio didn’t. I was truly undecided on the issues, so what it really came down to was the fact that his father was a goat herder. Seriously. And now a goat herder’s son is running for president of the United States of golldurned America? That’s some crazy shit, yo. That, and the fact that his kids are about the same age as my kids made me feel like he would be more in touch with me and my family. My dad could’ve been a goat herder. You don’t know.

Here’s a nifty little article that shows each candidate’s net worth. Obama is barely a millionaire. Just like us! We’re barely thousandaires. He feels our pain.

*sigh* Anyway, I’ll totally be on board if Hillary is the candidate. She gave that speech tonight in Columbus right next to Bryan’s building and he called me while he was walking to work from his parking lot several blocks away to tell me about all of the news trucks and whatnot all around. I had to work hard to restrain myself from waking the girls up and speeding down there just to be in it, you know? I got choked up when she talked about hearing from a mom with daughters who were 2 and 4. The mom sent her $10 and told her that she and her daughters cheer and chant for Hillary and, I don’t know, it just choked me up. I mean, she’s a woman. I’m a woman. My daughters will most likely be women. I hate to reduce it to gender, but my goodness it does feel special.

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Breastfeeding is legal? In Public? But, but, there are breasts and feeding involved. Offensive.Ha ha on you, Fossil, Inc. I’m glad that this case went beyond your typical staged nurse-in with media coverage. I’m glad this mom threatened to sue and I’m glad she walked away with a little bit of compensation from Fossil. It does get me wondering, though, if this kind of thing will stop happening any time soon. Every time there is a publicized case like this, I tend to think, “There, now we’re done with that nonsense.” Um, rose-colored glasses anybody? In my many, many years of baring my breasts for the purpose of sustaining life or, quite frankly, to get a kid to just be quiet for a minute, I was never asked to leave anywhere and I never even endured any mean looks or comments (well, except maybe from family and/or friends and/or other people in the privacy of my own and/or their own home, but that’s to be expected. Ahem). And more than half of my breastfeeding years were spent in a very small town where that kind of thing is just not typical. It’s a little bit shocking to me that this particular case happened in a Manhattan show room. I would think a big city would be the last place a breastfeeding mother would have to endure that kind of harrassment. Small towns, excuse me, some small towns are not typically tolerant of people who do things a little bit differently. Maybe that’s the difference. A small town might have its hands full bitching at the librarian for asking if it would be a problem if she put the award-winning book And Tango Makes Three on the shelf*, so they wouldn’t have time to wig out about public breastfeeding. I wonder if there is a master list somewhere that ranks the wig-out worthiness of these offensive things. Maybe I was never harrassed for breastfeeding at, say, the library in my hometown because the people who would have harrassed me were too busy scouring the shelves for gay penquin porn. GASP! “There’s that Aldrich girl breastfeeding one of her toddlers right here in the library! I’m gonna give her a whatfor. Wait, let me look at the list:
1. Gays
2. Protestants
3. Breastfeeding mothers
4. Murderers”

Who knows? Maybe I was saved by that list on more than one occasion.

*Last time I was visiting family, I attended the hometown book club with my very special friend Mechelle and the librarian asked us what we thought about having that book on the shelf. It’s pretty sad that she had to ask, but it’s super extra sad that one mother (speaking for the majority there) said with a shudder, “I wouldn’t want to explain that to my 4 year old!” Irony of ironies, the book we were actually discussing at the book club was Maus. Well, I thought it was ironic anyway and I had lots of trouble restraining myself from drawing comparisons between this mom’s ideology and that of Hitler’s. It was tough, but I held back. I want it noted that I held back even after she implied that the fact that I don’t have a problem with homosexuality is because my mom is, um, more active socially** than her saintly mother. Huh? I know, it was hard for me to follow too. And it was hard for me to not stand up and say, “Oh, you did not just bring my mama into this!” and stuff. That would’ve been very Jerry Springer of me and that is where I draw the line.

**In this case I’m using the phrase “active socially” with a wink and a nudge. I’m not talking about volunteerism and stuff like that. Just wanted to clear that up.

ETA: If this story leaves you with an overwhelming urge to donate a copy of And Tango Makes Three to this library, do not hesitate to contact me and I will get you the info. I’m donating a copy with a bookplate inside that says “In honor of God and The Holy Spirit who, with the help of their surrogate, Mary, were able to become fathers to their beloved baby Jesus. Amen.”

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