Because I have daughters who are precious pleasers, I spend a lot of time trying to teach them that they have rights and that they have the right to say no to anything, no matter what. At this point, the conversations like that are mostly centered around their not wanting to go to a birthday party or not wanting to have a certain friend over or something like that. They get concerned that the friend who is being rejected will feel sad or mad and I assure them that it’s ok if a friend is sad or mad, but it’s not ok for the friend to use their sadness to manipulate them into doing something they don’t want to do. (I know, I didn’t believe it either, but it turns out that it’s true.) Friends who use emotional manipulation are not good friends, but friends who are understanding even if they’re sad about your choice, those are the good friends.
Of course, I’m hoping this will translate into their teen years when the pressures they’ll face will be of much greater significance and the choices they make will be of much greater consequence. Yes, everything always comes back to sex with me. I know. Shut up. Anyway, I came across this blog post from Hugo Schwyzer, who I think is a little bit crazy, but he has some good points. It’s about how our “no means no” message is somewhat lacking and we have to teach how to interpret the no and the yes.
“…anything short of an authentic, honest, uncoerced, aroused and sober “Hell yes!” is, in the end, just a “no” in another form.”
I thought it was interesting and I wanted to share it. So read it. And then put it to use. And then teach your children how to say no *and* yes. And then teach them how to respond to no in all of its varied forms. Do it! Or don’t do it, you do have the right to say no. And I have the right to not be friends with you anymore if you don’t obey. Oh, wait…
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