It's like Tuesdays with Morrie without all the wisdom
Posts tagged religion
Maya’s Metaphors
1March 10, 2010
by Abby
in I have some daughters
Since I gave you a dirty, dirty video yesterday, I thought I’d give you one that is sweet and homemade, like cookies. See if you can find the metaphor.
*spoiler alert*
The reason the “oh me me” person wasn’t allowed to go along with the “come on” person is because the “oh me me” person is a gay and the “come on” person is a prominent church leader. At least, that’s what I gathered from Maya’s explanation that the “come on” person, “thinks mean is nice and nice is mean.” It’s clearly a metaphor for homophobic attitudes in the name of religion. I had to add “in the name of religion” because who else thinks mean is nice and nice is mean? They think it’s nice to try to convert homosexuals, and they think nice loving homosexual relationships are mean. The end.
Old News
3January 18, 2010
I always picture God as looking like Afro Samurai, but Pat Robertson makes me hope ever so fervently that this image is true. I hope, I hope, I hope I get to see Pat Robertson’s face when God is all, “WTF, Pat?” I hope there’s some kind of jumbo tron thing and it’s on an endless loop with Pat rubbing his fat little hands together going, “Oh, boy I can’t wait to hear, ‘Well done, thou good and faithful servant,’” and then God showing up as Afro Samurai saying, “We need to talk, Patrick.” I just think that would be lovely.
I know this is old news and I didn’t even want to comment on it because I’m trying to be nicer to stupid people, but these are the things that clog up my brain.
Do you have afterlife revenge fantasies in which no one is hurt, only humbled? Do you think God looks like Afro Samurai or some other fictional character? Fill my comments section with your fun afterlife ideas.
Good day.
I Like Faith
14September 17, 2009
And I like tattoos. My friend Kristen just got her first-ever tattoo. If you follow me on Twitter, you know she regrets not getting inked while she was in prison, but now she has no regrets. Her tattoo is beautiful. And I don’t use that word lightly. I only use it for things that are truly beautiful, like donuts delivered right to your door. Oh, and babies. Some babies are beautiful. All of mine were. Some of yours probably are, too. Anyway, Kristen’s tattoo is beautiful. And now I want a new one.
I have a dumb cherub on my shoulder. It needs to die. When I was at Thrill Vulture with Kristen, I searched and searched for something that I liked enough to cover up that cherub. I asked myself, “What do you like? Why don’t you know what you like?” I finally realized that I like faith and I like humor. While faith lends itself naturally to the tattoo art, humor really doesn’t, which is a bummer.
So me and Jesus? We tight. But, I don’t know if you can tell by reading my blog, I’m not really comfortable with Christianity as a whole. I have some issues. Issues with trust and with people and with arbitrariness and with, oh, lots of stuff. In spite of my many, many issues, I think I’m going to go with the classic nice-looking cross with one of my favorite verses on it. Here are my choices:
John 8:7 Jesus says, “What, like you’ve never done a shit thing? Line up, we’re gonna stone you too. That’s what I thought. Don’t be a dick.“
Matthew 7:1 Jesus says, “Dude, you’re an ass, too. I can say that about people because I’m the Son of God, but you can’t say that cuz you suck. Don’t be a dick.“
Matthew 5:3-12 “It’s so much more awesome to not be a dick than it is to be a dick.“
Romans 14:22 “Believe stuff, but don’t be a dick about it.”
I’m not sure what translation that is. I think maybe it’s the “Jesus, what’s your favorite curse word?” edition by James Lipton from “Inside the Actor’s Studio.” Jesus’ favorite curse word is absolutely “dick.” Or maybe “Jesus H. Christ.” Either way.
So now I’m saving my pennies and looking at tats. I suppose I could always go with Snowman Jesus, but I don’t want to offend anyone. People are touchy about that kind of thing.
Feckless Friday: Red Letter Edition
5September 11, 2009
by Abby
in I am feckless
Let’s play a game! We’ll call it “Feckless Friday” and it will be just like “Wordless Wednesday” only not as popular and not as precious! I’ll go first. Then you go on your blog or Facebook or Twitter or whatever and just go like this. “Feckless Friday: I spilled my pumpkin spice latte on my lap and then I punched the barista in the face because she made it too hot.” You can include a picture if you want. Or, you can point out somebody else’s fecklessness. For instance, “There’s this stupid blog I just can’t stop reading because it’s like a frickin’ car crash. ‘Sundays with Stupid Pants’ or something like that. She loves the gays, she’s an Obamatard, she says she homeschools, but there’s never any evidence of that, and she makes fun of religion. I’d link to it, but then I’d have to punch my computer in the face.” And then leave a link to your Feckless Friday entry in the comments so we can all come see, ok? And I think you’re supposed to link back to me, too, but I don’t have ads anymore so I don’t care if you do that or not. I won’t get paid or anything and you’ll just invite more people to disown me. Either way, ok? GO!
Here’s my example of fecklessness:
I’m laughing at you because you think I’m white. Love, Jesus
All good Christians know that Jesus only speaks in red letters. (I put that link in so my regular readers would understand).
See? I call myself a Christian, but I insist on doing things like this. I am inept at Christianity. I am a feckless Christian. Now you try.
I Love Ted Haggard
12January 28, 2009
I’m glad Ted Haggard is in the news again because I like to say to people who fear the gays, “Can you see what homophobia does to people? It ruins them and it ruins lots of other people that you didn’t intend for your homophobia to ruin. Meanies! Stop being mean!”
If Ted Haggard (and his abuser) had been allowed to embrace his sexuality without fear, if he had been allowed to be who he was born to be (no, I don’t buy his assertion that the abuse made him do gay stuff when he turned 50. I believe he is gay and that’s why he likes to have sex with men), maybe he could have been the upstanding, thoughtful member of his community that he was meant to be as opposed to the shame-filled sexual predator with two lives: one as the respected pastor of a mega church with a lovely family, and the other as somebody who deceives his family and pays for gay sex and takes advantage of young men while condemning homosexuals for the lifestyle that he wishes he could lead. He’s gay, you guys. He pays for sex with men and that means something. Let me tell you, if I have money in my pocket, I spend it almost indiscriminately, but I would NOT pay those prices for something I did not love to do. So wouldn’t it be nice if he could just come out and come clean and get therapy for the abuse and begin to repair the damage that the deception and the homophobia has caused?
Ted Haggard was probably shunned and shamed as a little boy for not being exactly the same as the other little boys, and now he’s being shunned and shamed by his church family. He is still that little boy, struggling with his feelings and dealing with shame every single moment of every single day. And that is heartbreaking.
Here’s the lesson: Do you have a gay child? Do you know a gay child? Don’t blame it on his father. Don’t blame it on his mother. Don’t shame him into fitting into your idea of masculinity. Don’t talk about him all over your community as if he’s a freak that needs to be changed. Don’t be ignorant. Are you ignorant? Because it really sounds ignorant when you talk about a little boy with horror and disgust. Jesus wouldn’t like that.
Another lesson: Do you have a heterosexual child? Teach him to choose love over anger-breeding fear. Teach him that it’s ok to be gay. Teach him that it’s ok to be friends with kids who are gay. Teach him that it’s ok to stick up for kids who are being picked on for being gay. Teach your child about civil rights. Teach him that people who are gay are the same as people who aren’t gay. Jesus does not condone asshole-ishness. And hypocrites especially piss him off. Don’t teach your child to love Jesus and then teach him to hate certain people. Even if you think homosexuality is a choice, don’t hate people who choose different than you. That’s lame. Maybe if Ted Haggard had one little friend who stood up for him, he wouldn’t have had so much shame and wouldn’t have married and had 5 children and then ruined their lives with deception.
I wish I knew how to post a podcast on here because I would post This American Life episode 304: Heretics. Go listen to it. It’s free. And it might set you free. Listen to it. We could all use a little more Gospel of Inclusion in our lives.
I don’t think I said “shame” enough.
