Sundays with Stretchy Pants

Yes, it’s a great house. Yes, it’s in a perfect location. Yes, we knew it would be tight for a while. We thought it would be worth it.

Turns out, it’s just a house.

We find this American Dream to be bullshit.

Bryan and I have a different American Dream. We felt it for the 4 years we spent renting when we moved to Columbus, and we thought something was wrong with us because we enjoyed renting so much. We figured we had PTSD from our first home-ownership and renovation experience, but now we are embracing our renter nature.

We don’t want to pay this kind of money (or any kind of money) for just a house. We want disposable income. We want to visit our family in Michigan and take a real family vacation. We want to take the kids wherever they want to go. Right now, this means Comic-Con and The American Girl store and to little cabins on Lake Michigan and Tawas Bay. We want to take them wherever else they want to go. We want to go away for the weekend, just us two. We want to be tourists in our own city and anywhere else we feel like it.  We don’t want to buy mulch. We don’t want to buy carpet. We don’t want to put in another new bathroom. We don’t want to spend the weekend in the yard. We don’t want to pull weeds. We don’t want to plant flowers. We don’t want to fix doorknobs. We don’t want to buy prettier doors. We don’t want to seal the asphalt. We don’t want to buy paint. We don’t want to go to the hardware store. We don’t want to buy more stuff to fill up this house. We don’t want to spend any mental or physical or financial energy on just a house. We don’t want to be in debt. We don’t want to keep up with the Joneses. And anyway, we suspect that the Joneses have at least 1 credit card that they will never be able to pay off. We don’t want that.

We want to do stuff, not buy stuff.

Except for consumables. I love to buy consumables. I want to go out to eat so much that I get sick of it. Also? I like to buy beer WHENEVER I WANT. I’m out of beer much more often than I care to be and that is not cool. And I think it’s extra important to have an unlimited beer supply when you have a mortgage that prevents you from doing the things you want to do with your life. You can see how owning this house is a lose-lose situation.

We’re not house people anymore and I blame HGTV for making us think we’re supposed to be house people. I’m totally deleting that channel off of my tv and I’m only ever going to watch the Food Network and the Travel Channel when I’m in the mood for reality tv. And then we’re going to follow Man V. Food around just for fun because that dude’s life looks AWESOME.

Yes, moving sucks b@lls, but owning a house sucks b@lls dipped in poop, and we are just not into that.

Oh, and the children? I was worried about telling the children because, after all, children are usually the reason people buy awesome houses in great locations, so I thought this house meant something more to them, but when they heard the plan, Liberty said, “Good, I’m bored of this house anyway!” and Lena and Maya agreed. One of the things HGTV told me was that kids need their own space to decorate however they want. They didn’t tell me that once the space is decorated, the kid will want to change it within a month, which is exactly what happened here. I laughed and laughed and laughed when first Liberty, then Lena asked me to re-paint her room. Now I know better. And all of the kids know exactly what they’ve given up in order to live in this house. It’s not worth it to them, either.

Last Thursday, some special ladies and I had the opportunity to chat with/stutter at Katie Couric and Kathryn Stockett, author of the New York Times bestseller, The Help. You can see me, Vanessa Druckman, Amy Turn Sharp, and Kelley Megehan chatting about the controversial best seller on the CBS web show @Katie Couric below.

Watch CBS News Videos Online

I know this interview really has nothing to do with me, but I just want to tell you I thought it would be a great opportunity and lots of fun, but I was extremely nervous and actually wanted to back out a million times. The only reason I did it was so I could be an example to my kids. I am not one of those parents who has concrete goals for her children. All I want is for them to know themselves (so much good in life comes from just that one thing) and I want them to do things that challenge them. So I told them how scared I was and I told them I didn’t want to do it because I was so nervous, but that I was going to do it anyway because I knew it would be fun if I could just get past it. In the days leading up to the interview, the kids gave me encouragement and tips on chatting up celebrities. Lena suggested that I ask Katie and Kathryn what they like to do in their spare time. She said, “Celebrities like it when you ask about their real life instead of just their work,” which is a tip she learned when she met her very favorite voice actor at an anime conference a couple of months ago. I didn’t have a chance to ask that, but maybe next time.
P.S. Mom, my bit starts at about 17:50-something.

How convenient that New Year’s Day is on a Friday! Last year, my resolutions looked like this:

Dear Doormats and Doormat Users,

Let Jon Gosselin’s story be a lesson to you: The way your relationship works right now will not last forever. Doormat, someday you will realize that you are a fully-formed person with your very own thoughts, needs, opinions, likes, and dislikes, and if your mate is used to wiping her feet on you, she will have a hard time with this realization and, if you don’t both go to therapy, you (the brand-new fully-formed person) will back down from communicating your brand-new needs and act out in unhealthy ways. Even if your opinions are wrong, it’s ok to have them. For example, say you’re a 32-year-old man and you have the opinion that diamond earrings in both ears looks good. That would be a wrong opinion, but go ahead and rock those earrings, no matter what. They’re not hurting anybody and your wife could just do everyone a favor and not tell you you look stupid constantly because, guess what, they are your stupid earrings and it’s your stupid head. And maybe you would have grown out of it by the time you were, oh, around 22 if you had the wherewithal to have your own opinions about earrings back then instead of just changing yourself all up in order to fit the “love” of your life’s ideas of what’s good and what’s not.

And Doormat Users, when your Doormat comes to you and starts having these opinions and whatever, just shut the ef up ok? If you’re having a super hard time with all of the human-like behavior that your Doormat is suddenly exhibiting, you best get your butt to therapy.

And Doormat, if your User is having a hard time with your human-like behavior and you feel like throwing your hands in the air in disgust and just shutting down again and acting out in childish ways, you best get your butt to therapy. Because, guess what, I know you think you’re in love with your rebound girl and everything, but you’re not. Anyone would seem awesome after what you were dealing with before, but if your marriage is can’t be saved, what you really need is time alone. Figure out who you really are. Maybe you don’t even think diamond earrings in both ears is a great idea, but your brand-new awesome “love” of your life does and it feels good to do what she wants you to do right now because, well, it feels sooooo good and she’s not shrieking at you in the Wal-Mart. But that’s still pretty Doormatty behavior, and we all know where that will lead. It might take 15 years, but it will lead to the same place. Let’s take some time and learn some lessons, shall we? Just because your marriage is over, doesn’t mean you’re done with therapy.

Sincerely,

Abby Aldrich
Daughter of a Doormat and Doormat User
Model of Qualities of Both for More Than 30 Years
Advocate for Change
Advocate for Acceptance of Change
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I’m only slightly embarrassed to admit that Bryan and I watched Jon Gosselin’s interview with Chris Cumo on ABC. We recorded it. And we watched it. On purpose. I’m not interested in the whole he said/she said thing. I’m not interested in his current relationship(s), I’m not interested in how he feels about Kate now or how he felt back then. I wanted to know if he’s been to therapy. I wanted to know if he realizes how he got to the point where he is now. He said he’s been to therapy, but Kate hasn’t, which I totally believe. But I don’t get the feeling that he understands how his personality also contributed to this. Sure, Kate’s a shrew, but there’s a reason she chose somebody like Jon. If Jon had been an actual person, maybe they never would have been together. But he wasn’t. He was clay in Kate’s hands and he “loved” her so he changed for her. And what we’re seeing now? That’s what always happens in these types of situations.

And, of course, I must bring it all back around to parenting. Lena and Liberty are naturally nice and lovely and they’ll do whatever you say and it’s very easy to take advantage of them. We have had to fight really hard to teach them to stand up for themselves even against us. They’re 10 now, and they’re getting better at it. But, in our society, we seem to value niceness above all else and that’s not right. Look where niceness got Jon Gosselin. When my kids and I are standing in line at the grocery store and they’re reading the headlines, I use Jon as an example to Lena and Liberty. I tell them that this is all happening because he didn’t know himself and he didn’t love himself enough to actually be himself in the beginning of his relationship with Kate. No relationship is worth just being a shell of a person.

Now, Maya seems more split down the middle of Jon and Kate, depending on lots of things. If she were a little bit older, I might use Kate as an example and tell her that this is all happening because of the Jon thing, but also because Kate doesn’t understand the value of being in a relationship with somebody who is more than a shell. I don’t know. I think it’s easier to teach a young Kate to lay off than it is to teach a young Jon to stand up for himself. A touch of, “Kid, you better chill because your friend said ‘no’ and no means no,” is easier to teach than, “It’s ok to say no, if you want to say no. If so-and-so is sad because you said no, that’s ok. It’s ok if they’re sad, you are not responsible for their feelings. You’ll be sad if you say yes when you really want to say no. Don’t your feelings count? If your friend is a true friend, they’ll be sad but they’ll see that it’s ok for you to not do it and you can still be friends. If they don’t understand that, then it’s not worth sacrificing your comfort for theirs. And maybe they won’t understand at first, but they’ll eventually understand, blah, blah, blah.” Ugh, that’s a lot of words and, actually, there are more words that go to that speech that we’ve been using for the past 6 or so years over and over and in a million different situations, but if it means they learn to not be a Jon Gosselin, then I’ll keep repeating it.

P.S. Jon, you can use my above speech on Cara from time to time. That kid is heading for Ultimate Doormat status and it really breaks my heart when you talk about how much she loves sports. Maybe she does, but maybe she’s also learned that that’s what you love and you are her very first love and she sees how your eyes light up when you talk about how she loves sports and how good she is at everything. And she sees you roll your eyes when you talk about how Mady is just the opposite. Just think about it. You never know. I’m just sayin’.

P.P.S. Mady sees your eyes light up when you talk about Cara’s interests, and she sees you roll your eyes when you talk about hers. I’m just sayin’.

I stole this picture from flickr user oldbrushes. I asked permission, but I haven’t heard back. If she wants me to take it down, I will, so enjoy it while you can.

When I was just a wee little girl, waiting for the school bus in the wee hours of the crispy fall mornings, far off in the distance I could hear the sound of Farmer Peet’s wee little pigs squealing at the slaughterhouse. At least, that’s what my brother and sister told me I was listening to. It was definitely the sound of pigs squealing, but I don’t know if they were actually being slaughtered at that moment in time.

On a related note, pork is my favorite meat.

The pigs were at the Peet Packing Company, which is no longer around thanks, in part, to Denny McLain and his thieving, but I very rarely eat pork without remembering that sound. It’s oddly soothing, like jingle bells at Christmas. If you lived in Chesaning and had a job that wasn’t on the family farm or in one of the family-owned shops and restaurants back then, it’s very likely that you worked for Farmer Peet’s. Or GM. Or maybe you were a teacher, I don’t know. My dad worked at the local phone company and my mom worked at one of the family-owned shops. Bryan’s dad worked at GM and his mom worked at the same shop that my mom did, but lots of my friends’ parents worked at Peet’s. Anyway, it was a huge bummer when they closed.

Chesaning was lovely when I was young, and sometimes I think I would kill a person in order to have a blueberry muffin from the Heritage House. Why were they so yummy, you guys? Because I was white trash, I never ate them at the Heritage House. I ate them at the Heritage House’s basement bar, The Rathskellar, or at the Carriage Shoppe, which was an antique shop behind the Heritage House.

From the time I was 12-15, we didn’t have a phone, which put my popularity at risk, so instead of reading books and embracing my solitude, I walked to the nearest payphone to be in the loop with my friends. That phone was at a “mini mall” called Market Street Square, which was next to the Heritage House/Rathskellar/Carriage Shoppe lot. On the way to the phone, I would stop at the Carriage Shoppe and buy one of those magic muffins for 50 cents! I would have paid a whole dollar. Besides the great payphone, Market Street Square had a bunch of cute shops and a yummy deli, none of which are there anymore. Well, it looks like Market Street Square is still there, but now it’s a church and Christian bookstore, with plans for a deli and resale shop to be added later. But it’s not the mini mall from my childhood. And I think my sister told me that the local phone company took the payphone out of there.

The pigs, payphone, and muffins from my childhood might be gone, but the dominant sounds from my teenhood aren’t. By the time I was a teenager, my parents were divorced and my mom and I lived in an apartment up above a row of shops and bars in downtown Chesaning. Sometimes on summer nights, we would wake up to the sound of drunk people leaving Dave’s Bar and Farmer’s Inn after last call. Drunk people are funny. One time we saw one get hit by a car. He wasn’t hurt, so it was extra funny. He just kind of bounced off the car and then yelled at it as it drove away. We saw a couple of fist fights, but mostly we just eavesdropped on drunken, “I love you soooooo much!” conversations. Farmer’s Inn isn’t there anymore, but Dave’s still is. Dave’s will never die. Never!

During the daytime, there were (usually) no drunks for entertainment, so I had to pass the time by watching the security camera feed from one of the shops underneath our apartment. Do I have to tell you that this shop is no longer there? I didn’t think so. The shop had a camera in the make-up aisle and our tv would pick up the feed. I didn’t have cable so my friends and I would naturally watch the security camera channel sometimes. Or a lot. One lucky, lucky day I saw a girl who was a year ahead of me in school browsing the Bonne Bell display. I was just about to turn it off when I saw her turn her head to the left and right to make sure no one was watching her. That piqued my interest. I thought I was totally going to see her steal a Dr. Pepper-flavored Lip Smacker or something, but she surprised me by picking her nose and then her butt in quick succession. It. Was. Awesome. Way better than cable. Unfortunately, I still didn’t have a phone by then so I had to run to the nearest payphone to call all of my friends and tell them. If that happened today, I totally would have tweeted it. Well, I probably would have missed it because I would have been watching actual tv shows instead of security cameras. Even white trash kids get to have cable and high-speed internet these days. Not like when I was young and only the rich kids had it.

Maybe all of the landmarks from my childhood are gone, but I still have my memories. And Dave’s bar. When one or both of those go under, then it will be like I was never even born.