Sundays with Stretchy Pants » homosexuality

Maya’s Metaphors

Abby — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 13:35:11 +0000

Since I gave you a dirty, dirty video yesterday, I thought I’d give you one that is sweet and homemade, like cookies. See if you can find the metaphor.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNmizHYfvh4

*spoiler alert*
The reason the “oh me me” person wasn’t allowed to go along with the “come on” person is because the “oh me me” person is a gay and the “come on” person is a prominent church leader. At least, that’s what I gathered from Maya’s explanation that the “come on” person, “thinks mean is nice and nice is mean.” It’s clearly a metaphor for homophobic attitudes in the name of religion. I had to add “in the name of religion” because who else thinks mean is nice and nice is mean? They think it’s nice to try to convert homosexuals, and they think nice loving homosexual relationships are mean. The end.

Because I Care

Abby — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 14:15:40 +0000

Did you hear Ricky Gervais on Fresh Air whenever that was on? I don’t know when it was on because I don’t know what day it is today because that’s just how I roll. You can probably look it up on the iTunes, though. Anyway, he said, “You can’t choose your sense of humor, it’s like sexuality,” which was nice to hear since I like the sarcasm, but sometimes I try to be less sarcastic and then I laugh less, which is no good for anybody. But the best thing about hearing him say that is that it reminded me of his hilarious “animals are gay” bit. Not safe for work or children, but super funny and I wanted to share it with you. Because I care.

David Sedaris is Visiting me Today

Abby — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 13:22:45 +0000

We’re meeting at a local bookstore where he’s doing a reading, but I’m sure our friendship is the real reason for his visit. I think I’ll go cut a piece of my hair and put it in a plastic baggie for him right now. Do you think he’d like that?

Speaking of the gays, here’s a video Dawn sent to me. She knows what I like.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFkeKKszXTw

I Love Ted Haggard

Abby — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:41:03 +0000

I’m glad Ted Haggard is in the news again because I like to say to people who fear the gays, “Can you see what homophobia does to people? It ruins them and it ruins lots of other people that you didn’t intend for your homophobia to ruin. Meanies! Stop being mean!”

If Ted Haggard (and his abuser) had been allowed to embrace his sexuality without fear, if he had been allowed to be who he was born to be (no, I don’t buy his assertion that the abuse made him do gay stuff when he turned 50. I believe he is gay and that’s why he likes to have sex with men), maybe he could have been the upstanding, thoughtful member of his community that he was meant to be as opposed to the shame-filled sexual predator with two lives: one as the respected pastor of a mega church with a lovely family, and the other as somebody who deceives his family and pays for gay sex and takes advantage of young men while condemning homosexuals for the lifestyle that he wishes he could lead. He’s gay, you guys. He pays for sex with men and that means something. Let me tell you, if I have money in my pocket, I spend it almost indiscriminately, but I would NOT pay those prices for something I did not love to do. So wouldn’t it be nice if he could just come out and come clean and get therapy for the abuse and begin to repair the damage that the deception and the homophobia has caused?

Ted Haggard was probably shunned and shamed as a little boy for not being exactly the same as the other little boys, and now he’s being shunned and shamed by his church family. He is still that little boy, struggling with his feelings and dealing with shame every single moment of every single day. And that is heartbreaking.

Here’s the lesson: Do you have a gay child? Do you know a gay child? Don’t blame it on his father. Don’t blame it on his mother. Don’t shame him into fitting into your idea of masculinity. Don’t talk about him all over your community as if he’s a freak that needs to be changed. Don’t be ignorant. Are you ignorant? Because it really sounds ignorant when you talk about a little boy with horror and disgust. Jesus wouldn’t like that.

Another lesson: Do you have a heterosexual child? Teach him to choose love over anger-breeding fear. Teach him that it’s ok to be gay. Teach him that it’s ok to be friends with kids who are gay. Teach him that it’s ok to stick up for kids who are being picked on for being gay. Teach your child about civil rights. Teach him that people who are gay are the same as people who aren’t gay. Jesus does not condone asshole-ishness. And hypocrites especially piss him off. Don’t teach your child to love Jesus and then teach him to hate certain people. Even if you think homosexuality is a choice, don’t hate people who choose different than you. That’s lame. Maybe if Ted Haggard had one little friend who stood up for him, he wouldn’t have had so much shame and wouldn’t have married and had 5 children and then ruined their lives with deception.

I wish I knew how to post a podcast on here because I would post This American Life episode 304: Heretics. Go listen to it. It’s free. And it might set you free. Listen to it. We could all use a little more Gospel of Inclusion in our lives.

I don’t think I said “shame” enough.

Mmm…Nuggets.

Abby — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 13:13:54 +0000

Here’s a really good reason to start eating at McDonald’s again: They’re being boycotted by the American Family Association because they are committed to the gay and lesbian community. I wonder if they made it official with a commitment ceremony, or if they’re just going around wearing wedding bands? Here’s a link to Wonkette’s commentary on the boycott, complete with the best ever comments. Don’t worry, there’s a link to the actual boycott site on the Wonkette page, but I’m not linking to the boycott because you never know who’s reading my blog and I would hate for someone to click over to the boycott page and actually sign the petition without first reading about how retarded they are for signing the petition.

Disclaimer: I don’t skip McDonald’s because of any philosophical beliefs about the way they treat their meat animals, or because of any health risks that eating there might cause. No, if I still lived in Chesaning, I would still be eating McNuggets. The only reason I don’t eat there anymore is because, why would choose their fast food if I could get fast food at Panera or Chipotle? That would be crazy!

Whoop-de-Doo

Abby — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:18:06 +0000

Did I forget to talk about California making same-sex marriage legal? My bad. I didn’t get all excited when they made it legal. I just thought, “Duh.” And congratulating CA would be like congratulating my husband for parenting his children or helping out around the house. Those are things he should be doing anyway, so I’m not going to fall all over myself congratulating or thanking him for that. Same-sex marriage should be legal. Do it.

For the Sake of the Children

Abby — Thu, 08 May 2008 13:57:25 +0000

I wrote about this before, but it still annoys me. The AP is again talking about the fact the people like to complain about the book And Tango Makes Three. Ignorance annoys me. And ignorance for the sake of the children annoys me with the power of a thousand suns. The parents who complain about this kind of book are the same type of parents who can’t bring themselves to talk about s3x* with their children, or even call their body parts by the appropriate names, instead giving them nicknames like woo woo or whatzit. Ridiculous. If you can’t say the word p3nis* to your son, good luck. Good effing luck with your head in the sand. That’s the kind of thing that puts the subject of reproduction (or *gasp* intercourse for purposes other than reproducing!) on a very high shelf, which makes it more intriguing and more attractive and then the kids find out about an awesome book like It’s So Amazing and find themselves feeling ashamed, but titillated. That is not a healthy combination. Pretty soon, because they got a taste of this forbidden subject, they’re desperate for more and since they can’t get their curiosity satisfied in a healthy way, by asking their parents about it and being provided with good age-appropriate books on the subject, that’s where p0rn from the neighbor or the dad’s stash comes in really handy (because, mark my words, the households who protest so much are the households where the dad definitely has a stash that his wife probably doesn’t even know about). And it’s not a good idea to learn about the birds and the bees from materials that are not age-appropriate and do not treat s3x as the important thing that it is. Can you say, deviant behavior?

S3x is a normal part of life and should be discussed as such with people. Children are people, just in case you didn’t know. And they have reproductive organs, even if you don’t want to believe it. Homosexuality is a normal part of life for some people and if kids were allowed to learn about it, they might feel they could come out with dignity and love, or if they’re not gay, they would be able to give their gay friends dignity and love when they come out, then we’d have less Ted Haggard situations in the world. Yeah, heaven forbid your child should be allowed to feel that his homosexual feelings are ok. It’s better if he tries to deny them and gets married and has 5 kids only to be living on the down low and blowing apart his life and his wife and kids’ lives in the process. Messy. But at least you didn’t have to explain homosexuality to a child. Horrors.

*Because there is so much deviant behavior in the world, caused by stoopid parents who won’t provide their children with non-judgemental information about one of the most normal things in life, I have to type those kinds of words like that so the deviants who google certain things don’t stumble upon my site. Stop being stoopid. And buy some books for your kids. Then let them read them whenever they want so it takes the mystery away and it becomes no big deal instead of this thing to simultaneously covet and feel ashamed about. You can start by calling their parts by the right names because if you can say those words, it’s much easier to say all of the other things you need to say over the course of a lifetime of parenting.

Sally Kern, that’s Not OK

Abby — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 12:42:23 +0000

Oh, Sally Kern. Don’t you know that the Bible says lots of silly things that shouldn’t be taken so darn seriously? It is offensive when you say that homosexuals are a bigger threat to this country than terrorists. People don’t like that. You also said, “According to God’s word, that is not the right kind of lifestyle.” Maybe next time you give a hateful speech, you should focus on what is the right kind of lifestyle according to God’s word. This might save you some time, too, because sometimes listing the things that are apparently abhorrent to God takes such a long time. I mean, the list could get pretty long what with Leviticus outlining all of the different types of handicapped people that are not allowed near God. Who has that kind of time? To get you started, here is a partial list of activities that, according to God’s word, encompass the “right kind of lifestyle.”

Murder (mostly illegal, but in the right context, it’s totally ok. Moses, Samson, I’m talking to you)
Genocide (it’s important to remember to kill not only the men, but the women, children and animals too. Joshua, Moses, Saul, you little scamps)
Incest (Abraham and Sarah? I can see you blushing from here. Don’t worry, you’re hardly alone.)
Polygamy and concubines (adultery is a no-no, but if you have a concubine or some bonus wives, that’s quite different)
Slavery (especially ok if you’re selling your daughter to pay off a debt)

I’m just saying. Maybe people will respond to you more favorably (i.e. less death threats) if you tell them what God likes instead of what He doesn’t like. Try that next time and let me know how it all turns out. Take care!

Lady Parts

Abby — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 17:14:44 +0000

Breastfeeding is legal? In Public? But, but, there are breasts and feeding involved. Offensive.Ha ha on you, Fossil, Inc. I’m glad that this case went beyond your typical staged nurse-in with media coverage. I’m glad this mom threatened to sue and I’m glad she walked away with a little bit of compensation from Fossil. It does get me wondering, though, if this kind of thing will stop happening any time soon. Every time there is a publicized case like this, I tend to think, “There, now we’re done with that nonsense.” Um, rose-colored glasses anybody? In my many, many years of baring my breasts for the purpose of sustaining life or, quite frankly, to get a kid to just be quiet for a minute, I was never asked to leave anywhere and I never even endured any mean looks or comments (well, except maybe from family and/or friends and/or other people in the privacy of my own and/or their own home, but that’s to be expected. Ahem). And more than half of my breastfeeding years were spent in a very small town where that kind of thing is just not typical. It’s a little bit shocking to me that this particular case happened in a Manhattan show room. I would think a big city would be the last place a breastfeeding mother would have to endure that kind of harrassment. Small towns, excuse me, some small towns are not typically tolerant of people who do things a little bit differently. Maybe that’s the difference. A small town might have its hands full bitching at the librarian for asking if it would be a problem if she put the award-winning book And Tango Makes Three on the shelf*, so they wouldn’t have time to wig out about public breastfeeding. I wonder if there is a master list somewhere that ranks the wig-out worthiness of these offensive things. Maybe I was never harrassed for breastfeeding at, say, the library in my hometown because the people who would have harrassed me were too busy scouring the shelves for gay penquin porn. GASP! “There’s that Aldrich girl breastfeeding one of her toddlers right here in the library! I’m gonna give her a whatfor. Wait, let me look at the list:
1. Gays
2. Protestants
3. Breastfeeding mothers
4. Murderers”

Who knows? Maybe I was saved by that list on more than one occasion.

*Last time I was visiting family, I attended the hometown book club with my very special friend Mechelle and the librarian asked us what we thought about having that book on the shelf. It’s pretty sad that she had to ask, but it’s super extra sad that one mother (speaking for the majority there) said with a shudder, “I wouldn’t want to explain that to my 4 year old!” Irony of ironies, the book we were actually discussing at the book club was Maus. Well, I thought it was ironic anyway and I had lots of trouble restraining myself from drawing comparisons between this mom’s ideology and that of Hitler’s. It was tough, but I held back. I want it noted that I held back even after she implied that the fact that I don’t have a problem with homosexuality is because my mom is, um, more active socially** than her saintly mother. Huh? I know, it was hard for me to follow too. And it was hard for me to not stand up and say, “Oh, you did not just bring my mama into this!” and stuff. That would’ve been very Jerry Springer of me and that is where I draw the line.

**In this case I’m using the phrase “active socially” with a wink and a nudge. I’m not talking about volunteerism and stuff like that. Just wanted to clear that up.

ETA: If this story leaves you with an overwhelming urge to donate a copy of And Tango Makes Three to this library, do not hesitate to contact me and I will get you the info. I’m donating a copy with a bookplate inside that says “In honor of God and The Holy Spirit who, with the help of their surrogate, Mary, were able to become fathers to their beloved baby Jesus. Amen.”

Sundays with Stretchy Pants » homosexuality

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