Happy anniversary to us! No adorable pictures because our first born babies aren’t awake yet to help me undo whatever muck-up I did to our scanner the last time I used it. The kids these days say, “Pics or it didn’t happen!” but I know for sure these last 15 years did happen. They happened and they rocked so hard! So hard that my body and soul are pretty much ruined. But we both still have our sense of humor! Good damn thing. The next 15 years are going to be even more rockin’, in part because our kids can wipe their own butts now and we can sit around and reminisce about butt-wiping and pretend that we miss those days. And then we can laugh and laugh because, while those days are lovely to think about, we both know that those were some deep trenches we were in and we’re lucky we got out alive. I’m glad to share those memories with you. I’m glad to have this family we created together. I’m glad the five of us can sit on the couch and watch Conan together. I’m glad you’re my best friend. I’m glad I’m the mother of most of your children. I’m just plain glad to have you in my life as my husband and father of most of my children.

The next 15 years are going to fly by, I know. And there will be brand-new trenches as we watch our kids navigate adulthood and we’ll mournfully wish, for their sake, that they were babies again. For now, though, I know how lucky we are to be in this moment right here. We have the best of everything in this little family.

Turns out, it’s just a house.

We find this American Dream to be bullshit.

Bryan and I have a different American Dream. We felt it for the 4 years we spent renting when we moved to Columbus, and we thought something was wrong with us because we enjoyed renting so much. We figured we had PTSD from our first home-ownership and renovation experience, but now we are embracing our renter nature.

We don’t want to pay this kind of money (or any kind of money) for just a house. We want disposable income. We want to visit our family in Michigan and take a real family vacation. We want to take the kids wherever they want to go. Right now, this means Comic-Con and The American Girl store and to little cabins on Lake Michigan and Tawas Bay. We want to take them wherever else they want to go. We want to go away for the weekend, just us two. We want to be tourists in our own city and anywhere else we feel like it.  We don’t want to buy mulch. We don’t want to buy carpet. We don’t want to put in another new bathroom. We don’t want to spend the weekend in the yard. We don’t want to pull weeds. We don’t want to plant flowers. We don’t want to fix doorknobs. We don’t want to buy prettier doors. We don’t want to seal the asphalt. We don’t want to buy paint. We don’t want to go to the hardware store. We don’t want to buy more stuff to fill up this house. We don’t want to spend any mental or physical or financial energy on just a house. We don’t want to be in debt. We don’t want to keep up with the Joneses. And anyway, we suspect that the Joneses have at least 1 credit card that they will never be able to pay off. We don’t want that.

We want to do stuff, not buy stuff.

Except for consumables. I love to buy consumables. I want to go out to eat so much that I get sick of it. Also? I like to buy beer WHENEVER I WANT. I’m out of beer much more often than I care to be and that is not cool. And I think it’s extra important to have an unlimited beer supply when you have a mortgage that prevents you from doing the things you want to do with your life. You can see how owning this house is a lose-lose situation.

We’re not house people anymore and I blame HGTV for making us think we’re supposed to be house people. I’m totally deleting that channel off of my tv and I’m only ever going to watch the Food Network and the Travel Channel when I’m in the mood for reality tv. And then we’re going to follow Man V. Food around just for fun because that dude’s life looks AWESOME.

Yes, moving sucks b@lls, but owning a house sucks b@lls dipped in poop, and we are just not into that.

Oh, and the children? I was worried about telling the children because, after all, children are usually the reason people buy awesome houses in great locations, so I thought this house meant something more to them, but when they heard the plan, Liberty said, “Good, I’m bored of this house anyway!” and Lena and Maya agreed. One of the things HGTV told me was that kids need their own space to decorate however they want. They didn’t tell me that once the space is decorated, the kid will want to change it within a month, which is exactly what happened here. I laughed and laughed and laughed when first Liberty, then Lena asked me to re-paint her room. Now I know better. And all of the kids know exactly what they’ve given up in order to live in this house. It’s not worth it to them, either.

Well of course we were in love back then, look how bright and shiny we were! That’s actually a prom picture from 17 years ago, but you get the idea.

Over the years, we’ve grown considerably less bright and shiny:

Lena's first morning at home

Liberty wearing me out

First peek at Maya

Bryan, you’re awesome and I love you, and you’ll always be bright and shiny to me. Happy 14th!

Our anniversary is tomorrow. Fourteen years, suckas! And you thought it wouldn’t last. I don’t know what it means that every year around this time Bryan asks, “How long were your parents married?” I hope I don’t find out that he had a secret bet with my dad and after our 19th anniversary, he’s going to call my dad and be like, “HA! I stayed married to one longer than you did. Pay up.” That would suck.

And Lena and Liberty turn 11 on Saturday. I haven’t even ruined them yet. Probably. April does sometimes kick me in the gut with the years-old fear that I had when things started to go downhill in my pregnancy and then Liberty’s surgery and recovery. I really have to tell myself that everything is fine and they’re both healthy and I’m not trapped inside a hospital while spring happens outside. I can eat whatever I want, not hospital food. And Liberty can breathe right on her very own. And I can see them both every single day instead of being too out of it and hemorrhage-y. I feel like I should get over it already, but it’s like body memory and when I look out the window at the sunshine and new leaves, I’m right back in that hospital looking out the window, watching spring happen, worrying, praying, crying, worrying, praying, crying.

Anyway, spring is stupid. Give me summer. Everything turned awesome that summer. Cute little onesies and babies who lived with me instead of at the hospital. And we’d put them in their little matching outfits and make them hug each other. And they liked it!

I’m so glad it’s March. I’m not even bothered by the huge piles of melty, dirty snow out there. I’m not, because it’s March! And spring is almost here! And I get to go grocery shopping tomorrow! And I get to use Bryan’s fancy pants Excel spreadsheet with a pivot table or something like that so my inputted (is that a word?) recipes spit out an accurate grocery list, unlike the inaccurate grocery lists I usually take to the store.

This new grocery list thing is a big deal because I plan my menu for the whole month and shop for the whole month in one shot, only going back to the store for a quick weekly trip for produce and other perishables. When the grocery list is long enough to include the fixin’s for a month’s worth of meals, some things get left out, which drives me insane. When multiple recipes share certain ingredients, I used to have to tally them up very carefully, which took forever. Tallying and I don’t get along. I get bored with it and then I make mistakes and double tally one thing while forgetting to tally another and it’s just a huge headache and makes me want to write, “pizza, Chinese, pizza, fish fry, pizza…” on the month’s menu.

Enter my husband, the Overlord of Organization, the Sultan of Symmetry, the Rajah of Regulation, the King of Configuration and all-around great guy, Bryan “The Spreadsheet Whisperer” Aldrich! (And the crowd goes wild!) I told him what drove me crazy about the stupid grocery list and he made the crazy go away, just like Thorazine. And then I asked him to marry me all over again. He’s thinking about it.

Most nights, in the wee hours of  morning (you know, 12:10 am) this wee little one comes sneaking into our wee little bed. At first, she clings to the edge right next to me, but she slowly worms her way into a position that is more in keeping with her idea of her importance as the baby of the family. And we have a full size bed.

We are not reluctant family bedders by any means. It’s how we roll and we dig it. We used to have bigger beds, appropriate for all kinds of family bed configurations. We started with a queen, then a twin pushed up to the queen, then a full and a queen together, then back to just a queen when Lena and Liberty stopped coming in our bed every night, then we needed a new mattress and my in-laws were getting rid of a like-new full mattress, so we snatched it up thinking Maya’s just one kid, how much space can she take up? The answer is: As much as she wants.

We have always wanted a king size bed, but it has never worked out, what with being hopelessly cheap budget-minded and hopelessly afraid of having to move such a large bed. But now that we  have a house and that full size mattress is nearing the end of its life and we still have bedtime barnacles, it’s time to spring for a proper king size bed. Even Lena and Liberty like to have a turn sleeping in there once in a while, but that takes much planning and there just isn’t room for Bryan’s long arms and legs, plus either Lena’s or Liberty’s Bryan-in-miniature long arms and legs, plus me. Forget about princess wing-span joining in.

Also, evening family lounging is our favorite thing. It would be lovely if we could all cuddle up on the big bed and read books or watch movies or play games together like in the old queen plus full days. And it would be super lovely to not wake up with Maya’s elbow in my mouth.

Bryan blew some snow into a hill at the top of our regular hill this morning when he was gleefully (yes, gleefully) snowblowing the driveway, he strategically placed a snow pile at the top of our regular hill. He’s nice like that.

Look, here’s a video:

GAH! There would have been a lovely video with subtitles and whatnot if I hadn’t been enraged by our new Flip Ultra video thing. I tried to put the videos into Windows Movie Maker, but couldn’t find the files. I asked Flip to tell me where they hid my files and they said, “They’re in that folder over there, I swear!” And when I opened that folder over there, they weren’t there, so I asked them again where did you hide my files? And this time, I cocked the gun and put it at their temple. Then Flip said, “Okay, okay, okay! We hid your files in a special place so you wouldn’t accidentally delete them! Don’t shoot! They’re in a magical place. Somewhere nobody can ever find them. Have you read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone? It’s like that. You have to go through a bunch of tests of strength and will to find them. We did it so you wouldn’t accidentally delete them! WE DID IT FOR YOU!”

Boom. (Don’t worry, I only shot him in the leg because I knew I might need more info.)

Let me tell you something, I have accidentally deleted so many important things over the years, I know exactly how to use the “restore” function on my computer, thank you very much.

Flip wants me to only use their software for editing and making movies, but guess what? They’re software is not what I want to use! I want to use my Windows Movie Maker! Turns out, it’s a Windows+Flip harmony issue, so I asked, “How do I get around your bullshit, Flip? Tell me now or I shoot you in the nut sack.” Do you want to know what he told me? Me, the person he thought was so techno-challenged that he had to hide my very own videos from my delete-happy fingers? These are the steps he expected me to follow (don’t read it, just look at the enormity of the thing and recognize that I don’t know what half those words are):

The 64-bit version of Windows Media Encoder has been updated so that you can install the encoder on the 64-bit version of Windows Vista. This updated version of the encoder includes the fixes that are described in this article. To obtain the updated version of the encoder, visit the following Microsoft Web site:

http://www.microsoft.com/windows/windowsmedia/download/AllDownloads.aspx (http://www.microsoft.com/windows/windowsmedia/download/AllDownloads.aspx)

Note To apply this hotfix on a computer that is running Windows Vista, you must have elevated user rights. We recommend that you right-click the hotfix package executable file and then click Run as administrator. Alternatively, you can run the executable file through a console window that has elevated user rights.

Before and after you install the hotfix, check the version number of the Wmenc file and of the WMEncEng.dll file to make sure that these files are updated. To do this, follow these steps:

1. Click Start, and then click Control Panel.
2. Double-click Programs and Features.
3. Remove Security Update for Windows Media Encoder (KB954156).
4. Remove the current installation of Windows Media Encoder 9 Series.
5. Restart the system. Do not install updates.
6. Reinstall the Windows Media Encoder 9 Series. To do this, visit the following Microsoft Web site:
   http://www.microsoft.com/downloads/details.aspx?FamilyID=5691ba02-e496-465a-bba9-b2f1182cdf24&displaylang=en&Hash=Q7YOichtn5uaPziFse1ENeP0pr3Zm3uDvElbQn2p9UGArhz5hMZIta1wqWhKm7czKB%2bzqI%2fM7a20p1YBh%2fuqIg%3d%3d (http://www.microsoft.com/downloads/details.aspx?FamilyID=5691ba02-e496-465a-bba9-b2f1182cdf24&displaylang=en&Hash=Q7YOichtn5uaPziFse1ENeP0pr3Zm3uDvElbQn2p9UGArhz5hMZIta1wqWhKm7czKB%2bzqI%2fM7a20p1YBh%2fuqIg%3d%3d)
7. Verify that the version number for the Wmenc file and for theWMEncEng.dll file is 9.0.0.2980.
8. Install the hotfix that this article describes.
9. Verify that the version number for the Wmenc file and for theWMEncEng.dll file is 9.0.0.3352.
10. Use Windows Update to reinstall security updates.
11. Verify that the version number for the encoder files is still 9.0.0.3352.

Uh…I don’t think so. All of that made me nauseous and disgusted. So I decided to shoot the bastard dead and go elsewhere for info.
Enter Jess Totdfeld’s comment on this post at technologizer.com:

I think I found the best work-around for the new Flip software.

My problem was that I couldn’t edit Flip / AVI videos in XP Windows Movie Maker. They needed to be in WMV or WMA format. Also, I don’t like this business of not being able to find my files. That’s crazy.

Here’s what to do.

1) Attach the Flip and think of it as an external drive.
2) Open the file with the videos in it and drag them to a file on your computer. You’ve just emptied the Flip and now have files you can see on your computer.
3) Download picasa.google.com . It is Google’s photo viewer. It turns out it is great for viewing videos on your computer too.

4) View your videos in Picasa. There’s a feature to trim the videos if you want. You can upload right to YouTube if you want as well or… export to a file. When it exports, it saves as a WMA file and saves within a minute. It also doesn’t seem to decrease the quality which I’ve seen happen with some other programs as well.

Hope everyone finds this helpful.

Oh, I did, Jess. I did find that helpful. So, so helpful. Except, I just opened Movie Maker and dragged them into there instead of messing with Picasa. Thank you, Jess. Thank you, thank you! Why isn’t that Flip’s answer when we ask them to help us? WHY? It’s such a good answer.

By the time I got it all figured out, I was bored of the video thingamajig and I didn’t spend any time doing anything to the sledding video, but here it is anyway. It would have been way better if I hadn’t spent the preceding 2 hours yelling at the Flip guy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0c_Ujl8BcU

ETA: OMFG IT’S NOT WORKING NOW. Are you effing kidding me? I know this is you, Flip. I will kill you again. It worked when I saved it. It worked when I uuploaded it to youtube. It worked when I posted it to my blog. It worked when I published my blog, and now it doesn’t work.

ETA: OMFG IT’S WORKING AGAIN! I have such mixed feelings about this. I know you’re screwing with me, FLIP!

I couldn’t even watch tv, read, play with the internet, or eat very much. I had 3 review books just sitting here waiting for me to read them, but I couldn’t even lift them, let alone focus my eyes and then also think about what I was reading in order to write a coherent review. It was an extremely unproductive, painful illness. It was one of those where you find yourself re-thinking your last will and testament. I didn’t really like it much at all. After the sickness part was over, there was this extreme exhaustion that we just couldn’t shake. I took at least 1 nap every day for 10 days. I haven’t done that since having babies and toddlers. I miss napping with babies and toddlers. That was fun. Falling over half-dead because you moved around a little bit earlier in the day was not fun.

I was too wiped out to run the 1/2 marathon. I told myself the night before that I wouldn’t be running so I might as well just go to sleep, but that didn’t work because my nervous brain knew I was going to try to run it, so I had my traditional no-sleep-the-night-before-the-race, which is the thing I hate the most about races. The next morning, I was very weak after putting my d-tag on my shoe and pinning my bib number to my shirt so I said, “You know what? You’re dumb if you think you’re going to run this race,” and threw in the towel. But I did have enough adrenaline/drugs in order to go watch my sister complete her very first 1/2 and she did great! She kicks so much more ass than I do because she didn’t just run the 1/2, take a shower, and then sit around in stretchy pants all week. She ran the 1/2, took a shower, did her hair, put on make-up, and put on JEANS. Now Bryan is going to expect more than my usual post-race week of sloth if I ever run another one. *sigh*

I did really enjoy watching and yelling, “Lookin’ good, runners!” and stuff like that. That is, until Bryan and my niece and nephew got there and started making fun of me for cheering. Meanies. I think they were just jealous because nobody ever cheers for their lazy asses.

It was a too-short visit, but I’m glad they came. I didn’t really have my appetite, but when I think about all of the things we ate, it seems funny to say I didn’t have my appetite. I eat a lot of food and I get sad when I can’t eat a lot of food. Also, my mom visited for a whole week and she’s all about the eating out and feeding us snacks. I couldn’t even enjoy it and now I’m hungry. And sad.

As usual, this flu hit Liberty the hardest. She has lung issues and if we didn’t already own a nebulizer, we would’ve gone to the  hospital. Last night was the first night she didn’t need a pre-bed breathing treatment, and I’m sure she’s over it. Nevertheless, I will leave the nebulizer, her meds, and all of the little attachments for the nebulizer out all over the house for another 2 weeks or so because I always feel like if I put it away too soon, she’ll relapse. God hates it when I feel confident, so if I put it away, he’ll zap her, I just know it.

Dos, a beer, a Mexican beer

Ray, the guy who buys me beer

Me, the guy Ray buys beer for

Far, a long way to the bar

So, I think I’ll have a beer

La, A la-la-lots of beer

Tea, No thanks, I’ll have a beer

Or something like that. I’m not clear on the details, but it’s much more entertaining (and, frankly, it makes more sense) than that other song. Until you hear your 10 year old singing it. To be fair, I didn’t set out to teach them the song. When Maya asked about “Do-Re-Mi,” we were in the car and after singing that, I giggled. I said to Bryan, “Remember that beer song?” and then we both giggled and Lena (I think it was Lena, though it could have been Liberty. It’s hard to keep these things straight. It was a 10-year-old girl hollering from the backseat) asked, “How does the beer song go, Mummy?” And, at first, I said, “Well, Precious, beer songs are only for those 21 and older. I’ll not sully  your soul by singing it. Merely hearing the song might make you want to drink a-la-la-lots of beer.”* To which Lena (or Liberty) replied, “Oh, thank you, Mummy. Thank you for always keeping me pure.”

But then I sang it anyway because it’s funny.

This is my Feckless Friday post. You know you want to play along.

*What do you mean “that doesn’t sound like something you’d say”? You don’t know me!**

**Fine, none of that ever happened. I just sang it right away. FINE!

Dear Doormats and Doormat Users,

Let Jon Gosselin’s story be a lesson to you: The way your relationship works right now will not last forever. Doormat, someday you will realize that you are a fully-formed person with your very own thoughts, needs, opinions, likes, and dislikes, and if your mate is used to wiping her feet on you, she will have a hard time with this realization and, if you don’t both go to therapy, you (the brand-new fully-formed person) will back down from communicating your brand-new needs and act out in unhealthy ways. Even if your opinions are wrong, it’s ok to have them. For example, say you’re a 32-year-old man and you have the opinion that diamond earrings in both ears looks good. That would be a wrong opinion, but go ahead and rock those earrings, no matter what. They’re not hurting anybody and your wife could just do everyone a favor and not tell you you look stupid constantly because, guess what, they are your stupid earrings and it’s your stupid head. And maybe you would have grown out of it by the time you were, oh, around 22 if you had the wherewithal to have your own opinions about earrings back then instead of just changing yourself all up in order to fit the “love” of your life’s ideas of what’s good and what’s not.

And Doormat Users, when your Doormat comes to you and starts having these opinions and whatever, just shut the ef up ok? If you’re having a super hard time with all of the human-like behavior that your Doormat is suddenly exhibiting, you best get your butt to therapy.

And Doormat, if your User is having a hard time with your human-like behavior and you feel like throwing your hands in the air in disgust and just shutting down again and acting out in childish ways, you best get your butt to therapy. Because, guess what, I know you think you’re in love with your rebound girl and everything, but you’re not. Anyone would seem awesome after what you were dealing with before, but if your marriage is can’t be saved, what you really need is time alone. Figure out who you really are. Maybe you don’t even think diamond earrings in both ears is a great idea, but your brand-new awesome “love” of your life does and it feels good to do what she wants you to do right now because, well, it feels sooooo good and she’s not shrieking at you in the Wal-Mart. But that’s still pretty Doormatty behavior, and we all know where that will lead. It might take 15 years, but it will lead to the same place. Let’s take some time and learn some lessons, shall we? Just because your marriage is over, doesn’t mean you’re done with therapy.

Sincerely,

Abby Aldrich
Daughter of a Doormat and Doormat User
Model of Qualities of Both for More Than 30 Years
Advocate for Change
Advocate for Acceptance of Change
————————————————————————————————————————

I’m only slightly embarrassed to admit that Bryan and I watched Jon Gosselin’s interview with Chris Cumo on ABC. We recorded it. And we watched it. On purpose. I’m not interested in the whole he said/she said thing. I’m not interested in his current relationship(s), I’m not interested in how he feels about Kate now or how he felt back then. I wanted to know if he’s been to therapy. I wanted to know if he realizes how he got to the point where he is now. He said he’s been to therapy, but Kate hasn’t, which I totally believe. But I don’t get the feeling that he understands how his personality also contributed to this. Sure, Kate’s a shrew, but there’s a reason she chose somebody like Jon. If Jon had been an actual person, maybe they never would have been together. But he wasn’t. He was clay in Kate’s hands and he “loved” her so he changed for her. And what we’re seeing now? That’s what always happens in these types of situations.

And, of course, I must bring it all back around to parenting. Lena and Liberty are naturally nice and lovely and they’ll do whatever you say and it’s very easy to take advantage of them. We have had to fight really hard to teach them to stand up for themselves even against us. They’re 10 now, and they’re getting better at it. But, in our society, we seem to value niceness above all else and that’s not right. Look where niceness got Jon Gosselin. When my kids and I are standing in line at the grocery store and they’re reading the headlines, I use Jon as an example to Lena and Liberty. I tell them that this is all happening because he didn’t know himself and he didn’t love himself enough to actually be himself in the beginning of his relationship with Kate. No relationship is worth just being a shell of a person.

Now, Maya seems more split down the middle of Jon and Kate, depending on lots of things. If she were a little bit older, I might use Kate as an example and tell her that this is all happening because of the Jon thing, but also because Kate doesn’t understand the value of being in a relationship with somebody who is more than a shell. I don’t know. I think it’s easier to teach a young Kate to lay off than it is to teach a young Jon to stand up for himself. A touch of, “Kid, you better chill because your friend said ‘no’ and no means no,” is easier to teach than, “It’s ok to say no, if you want to say no. If so-and-so is sad because you said no, that’s ok. It’s ok if they’re sad, you are not responsible for their feelings. You’ll be sad if you say yes when you really want to say no. Don’t your feelings count? If your friend is a true friend, they’ll be sad but they’ll see that it’s ok for you to not do it and you can still be friends. If they don’t understand that, then it’s not worth sacrificing your comfort for theirs. And maybe they won’t understand at first, but they’ll eventually understand, blah, blah, blah.” Ugh, that’s a lot of words and, actually, there are more words that go to that speech that we’ve been using for the past 6 or so years over and over and in a million different situations, but if it means they learn to not be a Jon Gosselin, then I’ll keep repeating it.

P.S. Jon, you can use my above speech on Cara from time to time. That kid is heading for Ultimate Doormat status and it really breaks my heart when you talk about how much she loves sports. Maybe she does, but maybe she’s also learned that that’s what you love and you are her very first love and she sees how your eyes light up when you talk about how she loves sports and how good she is at everything. And she sees you roll your eyes when you talk about how Mady is just the opposite. Just think about it. You never know. I’m just sayin’.

P.P.S. Mady sees your eyes light up when you talk about Cara’s interests, and she sees you roll your eyes when you talk about hers. I’m just sayin’.