It's like Tuesdays with Morrie without all the wisdom
Posts tagged alcohol
A Weird Thing
11May 11, 2010
I’ve been buying alcohol legally for 14 years, but I used a fake ID for 4 years. Fourteen is quite a lot longer than 4, yet every single time I buy myself some beers to drink on my patio, my heart pounds and I get an adrenaline rush just like when I used that fake ID. It was a perfect ID, too. An actual ID that belonged to someone who looked like me. Back in those days, if you found an over-21 person who looked a little bit like you, you could say, “Hey, I’ll pay for your new license if you give me your old license,” and (if they were in love with your older brother) they would say, “That sounds like an excellent plan! I’ve been wanting to spend some time at the Secretary of State’s office! Super!” And the person with poor taste in boys could just take another form of ID (just one!) and say, “Uh, I lost my license,” and they would make her a new one lickity-split! Win/Mother effin’ WIN. These days, though, thanks to 9/11 and, uh, reality teevee, I bet the kids can’t do that anymore. Score one for being old!
That ID was awesome. It was only questioned one time and that was in a Chesaning gas station, where the clerk looked at the ID, looked at me, and said, “I went to school with that girl, and you ain’t her.” Luckily, I had cat-like reflexes and I grabbed the ID real quick and snarled, “What. Ever. You’re, like, 30 years old! Ugh!” And then I ran away. To the gas station next door. I didn’t care, because Boone’s Farm was 3 for $5 everywhere, so I didn’t need that stupid gas station!
What is my point? Body memory. Yes, that’s it. I think it’s interesting that my body remembers, “Hey, we’re buying beer. Let’s be scared!” I would think that the eyeballs would tell the heart, “Dude, it’s not Boone’s Farm and Busch Light, so I think we’re legal now.” So when I talked about Spring being stupid last month, and didn’t want to cut myself some slack, that was dumb. So the slack has been cut now. I get it. And when I forget, I’ll buy myself some beers in order to remember. Win/Mother effin’ WIN again!
Feckless Friday: New Year’s Resolutions Edition
4January 1, 2010
by Abby
in I am feckless
How convenient that New Year’s Day is on a Friday! Last year, my resolutions looked like this:
1. More books
2. More movies
3. More writing
4. More cowbell
And by January 5th, I was Already Failing.
This year, for sure I’m going to eat more hot fudge sundaes with bananas (Hot Fudge Banana Royal for those of you grew up eating them at the Malt Shop or Frosty’s in Chesaning). It’s a New Year’s Eve tradition and I love them so much, you guys. They’re so tasty. So definitely more of that. Maybe more writing. I read the fewest amount of books ever in my life last year, I think. That’s probably because of the DVR, which I love a lot, so I’m not changing that.
I’m happy with the amount of alcohol I drank last year, so no changes there.
How about parenting? Any parenting goals? Well, it might be helpful if I pay closer attention to Maya’s education. On the other hand, it’s always a nice surprise for me when I read over her shoulder while she’s playing on Woogi World to see that she’s learned to read and write new words. I kind of like that. Besides, it’s easy for homeschooling to become a little bit “Toddlers and Tiaras” without the spray tans and dental implants, but with the “DO IT!” and “PRACTICE!” and “PERFORM!” which is ugly on anybody and so not helpful for well-roundedness.
As for Lena and Liberty, I’m going to start referring to them as “the twins” because it’s easier and they love it when I do that. Both of them love it equally. Because they’re twins. They’ve outgrown me, technologically speaking, but I’m not going to resolve to catch up to them because it would be too hard. I’ll for sure make sure they don’t get kidnapped by the internet, though. For sure.
Ok, so to sum up,
1. More Hot Fudge Banana Royals
2. The same amount of alcohol
3. Even less homeschooling pressure
4. “Leenaaaa, my computer’s frozen again!”
Proper Hydration is Priceless
5October 6, 2009
Know what I love? Food. Know what goes good with food? Beer. I know, but you can’t drink beer all the time. So know what is super awesome? WATER!
This is going to sound like a commercial, but it’s not a commercial, I swear. I care very deeply about personal hydration and I am very excited to have all of my personal hydration issues solved (taste and portability) after so very long.
If you know me, you know I love food and alcohol and I run a lot. All of those things mean that I have to make sure I’m hydrated. Oh, also, I used to feed children (sometimes 2 at a time) with my breasts. So hydration is a big deal for me. I’m super cheap I care very deeply about the environment (I do now, but I didn’t back in the day) so I’ve never been one to buy bottled water. I’ve only ever carried a reusable bottle around and, back in the day, that meant that I was always lamenting the plastic taste of the water and lamenting the fact that the taste I was lamenting was the taste of cancer or whatever. Anyway, I dealt with the plastic taste all of those years and then, when I was able to leave the house without a diaper bag (Oh, glorious day), I had another problem: WHERE’M I GONNA PUT MY WATER BOTTLE? I suffered, lo, this many years by carrying my water bottle IN MY FREE HAND because I couldn’t put it in my purse because my purse didn’t have a handy bottle carrier thingy and if I shoved the bottle in my purse, the condensation would get all over my library book and my wallet. I don’t like to pay for library books, so this didn’t suit me.
So, 2 problems: Taste, and carry around-ability. With me? Ok.
Ok, so remember when Baying Hound gave Liberty a Klean Kanteen to try? Well, then I bought 3 more because it solved my problem of taste. Yay!
So, the Klean Kanteen solved 1/2 of my problems right away, still leaving me with the portability issue.
Anyway, guess what I stumbled across at Baying Hound? You won’t believe it! Look:
The answer to all of my problems: A frickin’ neoprene carrying-case thingamajig that, yes, I could totally carry, but more importantly for me, I could stuff it in my purse and the Klean Kanteen can’t sweat on my library book!
You guys, I am soooooo happy about this, you have no idea. I just keep stuffing my be-neoprened Klean Kanteen into my purse with my book and I actually can use my free hand to wave or flip you off or whatever! Isn’t that awesome? I never thought I could be this happy.
A word, if you please, about price. Now, if you’re like me, you might say, “Hey, a Klean Kanteen is $x and a Thirsty Tote is $y and that is more money than I usually spend on personal hydration.” And then I would say, “LAME! Proper hydration is priceless. You can’t say, ‘I had lots of fun drinking those beers last night,’ if you’re not properly hydrated. No. Do you know what you say when you drank a lot of beers without being properly hydrated? You say, ‘My head hurts. Shut your damn kids up!’ And nobody wants that.”
Feckless Friday: Beer Song Edition
3September 18, 2009
by Abby
in I am feckless
You know that precious muscial called The Sound of Music? Well, it’s a real crowd pleaser (assuming I’m not in the crowd) and there’s this song in it called “Do-Re-Mi,” which my children were trying to sing a while ago. And then when they asked me how a certain part goes, I might have accidentally taught them the equally classic and crowd-pleasing song “Dos-Ray-Me.”
Dos, a beer, a Mexican beer
Ray, the guy who buys me beer
Me, the guy Ray buys beer for
Far, a long way to the bar
So, I think I’ll have a beer
La, A la-la-lots of beer
Tea, No thanks, I’ll have a beer
Or something like that. I’m not clear on the details, but it’s much more entertaining (and, frankly, it makes more sense) than that other song. Until you hear your 10 year old singing it. To be fair, I didn’t set out to teach them the song. When Maya asked about “Do-Re-Mi,” we were in the car and after singing that, I giggled. I said to Bryan, “Remember that beer song?” and then we both giggled and Lena (I think it was Lena, though it could have been Liberty. It’s hard to keep these things straight. It was a 10-year-old girl hollering from the backseat) asked, “How does the beer song go, Mummy?” And, at first, I said, “Well, Precious, beer songs are only for those 21 and older. I’ll not sully your soul by singing it. Merely hearing the song might make you want to drink a-la-la-lots of beer.”* To which Lena (or Liberty) replied, “Oh, thank you, Mummy. Thank you for always keeping me pure.”
But then I sang it anyway because it’s funny.
This is my Feckless Friday post. You know you want to play along.
*What do you mean “that doesn’t sound like something you’d say”? You don’t know me!**
**Fine, none of that ever happened. I just sang it right away. FINE!
Friday on the Rocks
6June 12, 2009
by Abby
in I have a friend
Don’t mind if I do!
I needed something to go with tonight’s popluck* guacamole so I bought some margarita stuff. It just made sense to me.
I’ve never made margaritas at home and Meijer didn’t have any Cuervo tequila for some reason, so I hope they turn out ok. I didn’t feel like hunting down a liquor store to find the good stuff. For you non-locals, you can’t just go to the next grocery store to get your liquor. You have to go to a real-live liquor store. Usually in the bad part of town! Across from the plasma bank! Isn’t that sexy? Are you intrigued? Do I get city-girl points for that? The whole reason I went to Meijer instead of Kroger was to get the liquor because Kroger only sells beer and wine.
Happy Friday!
*Maya calls our potluck “popluck.” Solid. “Bridge Club” just didn’t stick so I’m going to go with Maya’s version.
