Sundays with Stretchy Pants

I’ve been buying alcohol legally for 14 years, but I used a fake ID for 4 years. Fourteen is quite a lot longer than 4, yet every single time I buy myself some beers to drink on my patio, my heart pounds and I get an adrenaline rush just like when I used that fake ID. It was a perfect ID, too. An actual ID that belonged to someone who looked like me. Back in those days, if you found an over-21 person who looked a little bit like you, you could say, “Hey, I’ll pay for your new license if you give me your old license,” and (if they were in love with your older brother) they would say, “That sounds like an excellent plan! I’ve been wanting to spend some time at the Secretary of State’s office! Super!” And the person with poor taste in boys could just take another form of ID (just one!) and say, “Uh, I lost my license,” and they would make her a new one lickity-split! Win/Mother effin’ WIN. These days, though, thanks to 9/11 and, uh, reality teevee, I bet the kids can’t do that anymore. Score one for being old!

That ID was awesome. It was only questioned one time and that was in a Chesaning gas station, where the clerk looked at the ID, looked at me, and said, “I went to school with that girl, and you ain’t her.” Luckily, I had cat-like reflexes and I grabbed the ID real quick and snarled, “What. Ever. You’re, like, 30 years old! Ugh!” And then I ran away. To the gas station next door. I didn’t care, because Boone’s Farm was 3 for $5 everywhere, so I didn’t need that stupid gas station!

What is my point? Body memory. Yes, that’s it. I think it’s interesting that my body remembers, “Hey, we’re buying beer. Let’s be scared!” I would think that the eyeballs would tell the heart, “Dude, it’s not Boone’s Farm and Busch Light, so I think we’re legal now.” So when I talked about Spring being stupid last month, and didn’t want to cut myself some slack, that was dumb. So the slack has been cut now. I get it. And when I forget, I’ll buy myself some beers in order to remember. Win/Mother effin’ WIN again!

I like to take a big chunk of April off. It feels good. May is my favorite. Obviously, I’m a narcissistic naval gazer, so my birth month would be my favorite. Duh.

Things I’ve been enjoying the heck out of lately:

• Season 3 of Big Love
• Making beans in the crockpot
• Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family by Ellyn Satter (I don’t ever read books like that, but Dawn’s First Guest Blog Series Ever introduced me to Katja Rowell M.D. and the Satter book. Life changing, for real. Check it.)
• My kids wrapped my birthday presents in a Twilight movie bag, knowing that I would love to opportunity to deface and destroy it. (We all hate Twilight for its abusive relationship marketed to young girls as romance). Smart and funny kids=best birthday present ever.
• Saying “heck” whenever I can, affecting Bill Henrickson’s look of confusion and/or horror:

I love that Bill would say, “My gosh, just what in the heck do you think you’re doing?” even if he were witnessing a murder.

What are you enjoying right now? Let’s get reacquainted!

I know I’ve been neglecting you, but I’m busy. It’s Easter and my Holy Week is busier than Jesus’s, but I think my Friday will be better than his. Hard to top his Sunday, though.

I want my daylight in the morning, not at night. And I’m tired of this stupid time change. I’m tired and cranky. If I’m not tired, it’s because I accidentally slept in an extra hour and then I’m still cranky because I overslept and then the kids got up and how am I supposed to do laundry and check Facebook when I’m up an hour late? Guess I’ll have to skip the laundry. I could set an alarm clock, but I am a woman of privilege and I like to wake up and scrub my toilets at my leisure, not when my alarm tells me. Boy these first-world problems are a drag.

Here’s something fun that Dawn shared on the Twitter. I almost didn’t have time to watch it, but I did. Now I’m 1 hour, 5 minutes and 28 seconds behind on my day, but it was so worth it.

Did you hear Ricky Gervais on Fresh Air whenever that was on? I don’t know when it was on because I don’t know what day it is today because that’s just how I roll. You can probably look it up on the iTunes, though. Anyway, he said, “You can’t choose your sense of humor, it’s like sexuality,” which was nice to hear since I like the sarcasm, but sometimes I try to be less sarcastic and then I laugh less, which is no good for anybody. But the best thing about hearing him say that is that it reminded me of his hilarious “animals are gay” bit. Not safe for work or children, but super funny and I wanted to share it with you. Because I care.