Sundays with Stretchy Pants

I always picture God as looking like Afro Samurai, but Pat Robertson makes me hope ever so fervently that this image is true. I hope, I hope, I hope I get to see Pat Robertson’s face when God is all, “WTF, Pat?” I hope there’s some kind of jumbo tron thing and it’s on an endless loop with Pat rubbing his fat little hands together going, “Oh, boy I can’t wait to hear, ‘Well done, thou good and faithful servant,’” and then God showing up as Afro Samurai saying, “We need to talk, Patrick.” I just think that would be lovely.

I know this is old news and I didn’t even want to comment on it because I’m trying to be nicer to stupid people, but these are the things that clog up my brain.

Do you have afterlife revenge fantasies in which no one is hurt, only humbled? Do you think God looks like Afro Samurai or some other fictional character? Fill my comments section with your fun afterlife ideas.

Good day.

If you have a blog, you know that spammers will try to trick you into visiting their site by leaving fake messages. Usually, the messages are uplifting with lots of exclamation marks and praise. My favorite so far: “You;re blog is beast!!!!!!!!” While I know the kids these days sometimes use the word “beast” that way, I also know that spammers are normally bad at spelling and punctuation and English, so I’m pretty sure it was supposed to say, “Your blog is the best!!!!!!!” These messages are intended to warm your heart and make you say to yourself, “That’s so sweet and I don’t even know this person in real life. Wait, there’s a link, I’m going to visit their blog and leave a nice comment about them.” And then you’ve lost. Your ego made you lose. Loser.

Lately, though, I’ve notice a lot more disagreeable comments from them. I think the spammers are looking to create controversy so you’ll want to track them down and google stalk them until you accidentally buy one of their products. So clever because we humans love to have internet controversies.

Still, though, the spammers just aren’t good at what they do. Just as an example, I have 2 spam comments on my Thankful post that really make me wonder:

Baby Grocery Cart Cover says, “Well, I don’t know yet. Not sure. But this is convincing…”

Really, Baby Grocery Cart Cover? Am I supposed to be sucked into an argument about this? What are you not sure about? The fact that I have children? The fact that it was noon and they were in their jammies? Do you doubt my thankfulness? Psh.

And Jungle Ceiling Fan Pull says, “I disagree. I wonder how you draw your conclusin?”

Oh, Jungle Ceiling Fan Pull, what were you thinking? This is a perfect comment for so many of my posts that state a “conclusin” without having any facts. My “conclusin” that I should get in the shower because the people at the party would be thankful for that? I draw that “conclusin” by knowing that I’m a greasy, smelly skank if I don’t shower. How do you draw your “conclusin” that people want a jungle ceiling fan pull? Nobody wants one, even if you use clever spam. Not clever enough!

Do you have imaginary conversations with spambots? Do you have real conversations with people you know in real life? Do you wonder why I would have imaginary conversations with spambots? Leave a comment and let me know where you get your lithium.

I’m a comma with nothing to blog about, but Jill Twittered that she’s a colon and I had to see what kind of punctuation I am. I’ve always wondered. And now I know.

Let’s see…happy Martin Luther King day, my kids are sick, the CPSCIA is dumb, and Obama is almost president.

I always ruin MLK day for my kids by making them watch the I Have a Dream speech and making them read things on Anti-Racist Parent and Racialicious until they rend their garments in despair over their white privilege. It’s a tradition.

Everybody here is coughing their heads off. Me? I’m taking Eleventy billion milligrams of vitamin C and eating garlic by the bulb. I smell bad. I know this because I smell well. Get it? Grammar. Good times.

Speaking of words, have you seen this bull?  The Consumer Product Safety Improvement for Dumbasses Act is trying to get rid of everything, everything! for children under 12 that might have lead in it. Hello Small Business Owner, you say you don’t have the money to test your handmade, naturally lead-free products so that we know for sure, for sure that they’re lead free? Too bad for you. Close your store you filthy child poisoner. And libraries? You’re the poisony-est and you shan’t let the children touch the filth.

And tomorrow we get a fresh and fancy new president. If you’re Facebook friends with my sister, go support her support of Barack Obama because some douche from her church hassled her about it and I’ve advised her not to hassle back because, well, there are a lot of douches in her church. Personally, I believe Christian douches are the worst of all kinds of douches. And I’m including Muslim douches and vinegar douches in that. Just so you know.

Oh, hey, look, I’m a comma:

You Are a Comma

You are open minded and extremely optimistic. You enjoy almost all facets of life. You can find the good in almost anything. You keep yourself busy with tons of friends, activities, and interests. You find it hard to turn down an opportunity, even if you are pressed for time. Your friends find you fascinating, charming, and easy to talk to. (But with so many competing interests, you friends do feel like you hardly have time for them.) You excel in: Inspiring people You get along best with: The Question Mark

There’s a giveaway over at Kids Know Stuff. Just in case you’re interested.

Is anyone else being haunted by the ghost of Marion Jones while watching the Olympics this year? All these broken records and whatnot? I was so happy for her and so proud of her 8 years ago in Syndey, and then she got busted for steroids. *sigh* And now, while I’m very happy to see Michael Phelps excelling, I just have a little bit of a trust issue because of Marion. Anybody else?