Sundays with Stretchy Pants

Most nights, in the wee hours of  morning (you know, 12:10 am) this wee little one comes sneaking into our wee little bed. At first, she clings to the edge right next to me, but she slowly worms her way into a position that is more in keeping with her idea of her importance as the baby of the family. And we have a full size bed.

We are not reluctant family bedders by any means. It’s how we roll and we dig it. We used to have bigger beds, appropriate for all kinds of family bed configurations. We started with a queen, then a twin pushed up to the queen, then a full and a queen together, then back to just a queen when Lena and Liberty stopped coming in our bed every night, then we needed a new mattress and my in-laws were getting rid of a like-new full mattress, so we snatched it up thinking Maya’s just one kid, how much space can she take up? The answer is: As much as she wants.

We have always wanted a king size bed, but it has never worked out, what with being hopelessly cheap budget-minded and hopelessly afraid of having to move such a large bed. But now that we  have a house and that full size mattress is nearing the end of its life and we still have bedtime barnacles, it’s time to spring for a proper king size bed. Even Lena and Liberty like to have a turn sleeping in there once in a while, but that takes much planning and there just isn’t room for Bryan’s long arms and legs, plus either Lena’s or Liberty’s Bryan-in-miniature long arms and legs, plus me. Forget about princess wing-span joining in.

Also, evening family lounging is our favorite thing. It would be lovely if we could all cuddle up on the big bed and read books or watch movies or play games together like in the old queen plus full days. And it would be super lovely to not wake up with Maya’s elbow in my mouth.

I already blogged this at Ohio Moms Blog, but I think that’s not actually going to launch for real until after the first of the year or something, so then it won’t really make sense. Also, I used my manners and didn’t swear and I didn’t even talk about my zit. I used the code word “anxiety” for it.

Anyway, remember this?

At the beginning of the Christmas season, I’m very excited. We take a look at the Christmas savings account and budget out everybody on our list and we’re very committed to staying within the budget, which means if we want our kids to have a good time on Christmas morning after hearing us say no to them all year long, and if we want to donate anything like food, toys, or whatever to wherever, then we have to cut things out of the budget. No problem! Christmas is for the kids, right? Cut out buying for adults, and cut out sending Christmas cards to every person I’ve ever met in my whole life. Take another look at the budget and it looks gooooood! The kids are going to have fun! The kids are going to be able to pick out some things to donate! Our parents will get a picture of the kids, a kid-made craft and a nice note saying something to the effect of, “We gave your present to somebody else. Love you!” instead of a Snuggie. We feel good about this.

And then I start wrapping. And then I hear George Costanza in my head saying, “I gave him Yankee tickets, he gave me a piece of paper that says, ‘I’ve given your gift to someone else’!” And then I feel stressed. Not enough to return some of the kids’ presents in order to buy something for the adults because, dammit, Christmas is for the kids! Just enough to harass the kids into making more crafts. And to grow a nice zit. That’s all. (FYI, this close to Christmas, I can only say “Christmas is for the kids!” through clenched teeth with a crazy look in my eye. Sometimes I repeat it over and over while the children shush me and pat my head.)

Do you have Christmas anxiety that stems from a fictional character? Do you think maybe I watch to much tv? Do you go into debt to buy something nice for your mother  and she still says, “Is that how you’re wearing your hair these days?” If so, tell your story so I have something to read while I mindlessly play with my huge zit.

For lazy, loungy holidays and the people I get to share them with in real life, on the phone, and on the internet. I love my people.

I had a better quality picture, but I love that it’s almost noon and they’re in their jammies, lounging all over each other, playing pretend together. I should probably get in the shower. I know everybody at dinner will be thankful for that.

Maya made that for me. She said it’s called, “Rainbow with a Yellow Polka-Dot,” but I’m pretty sure its full title is “Rainbow with a Yellow Polka-Dot: A Tribute to Womanhood.” Or, because she made it specifically for me, “Rainbow with a Yellow Polka-Dot: The Healing Peace of Homebirth,” or “Rainbow with a Yellow Polka-Dot: The Yellow Light of Life.” I don’t know, I’m no art major, but it just seems like there’s more to it.

Dear Doormats and Doormat Users,

Let Jon Gosselin’s story be a lesson to you: The way your relationship works right now will not last forever. Doormat, someday you will realize that you are a fully-formed person with your very own thoughts, needs, opinions, likes, and dislikes, and if your mate is used to wiping her feet on you, she will have a hard time with this realization and, if you don’t both go to therapy, you (the brand-new fully-formed person) will back down from communicating your brand-new needs and act out in unhealthy ways. Even if your opinions are wrong, it’s ok to have them. For example, say you’re a 32-year-old man and you have the opinion that diamond earrings in both ears looks good. That would be a wrong opinion, but go ahead and rock those earrings, no matter what. They’re not hurting anybody and your wife could just do everyone a favor and not tell you you look stupid constantly because, guess what, they are your stupid earrings and it’s your stupid head. And maybe you would have grown out of it by the time you were, oh, around 22 if you had the wherewithal to have your own opinions about earrings back then instead of just changing yourself all up in order to fit the “love” of your life’s ideas of what’s good and what’s not.

And Doormat Users, when your Doormat comes to you and starts having these opinions and whatever, just shut the ef up ok? If you’re having a super hard time with all of the human-like behavior that your Doormat is suddenly exhibiting, you best get your butt to therapy.

And Doormat, if your User is having a hard time with your human-like behavior and you feel like throwing your hands in the air in disgust and just shutting down again and acting out in childish ways, you best get your butt to therapy. Because, guess what, I know you think you’re in love with your rebound girl and everything, but you’re not. Anyone would seem awesome after what you were dealing with before, but if your marriage is can’t be saved, what you really need is time alone. Figure out who you really are. Maybe you don’t even think diamond earrings in both ears is a great idea, but your brand-new awesome “love” of your life does and it feels good to do what she wants you to do right now because, well, it feels sooooo good and she’s not shrieking at you in the Wal-Mart. But that’s still pretty Doormatty behavior, and we all know where that will lead. It might take 15 years, but it will lead to the same place. Let’s take some time and learn some lessons, shall we? Just because your marriage is over, doesn’t mean you’re done with therapy.

Sincerely,

Abby Aldrich
Daughter of a Doormat and Doormat User
Model of Qualities of Both for More Than 30 Years
Advocate for Change
Advocate for Acceptance of Change
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I’m only slightly embarrassed to admit that Bryan and I watched Jon Gosselin’s interview with Chris Cumo on ABC. We recorded it. And we watched it. On purpose. I’m not interested in the whole he said/she said thing. I’m not interested in his current relationship(s), I’m not interested in how he feels about Kate now or how he felt back then. I wanted to know if he’s been to therapy. I wanted to know if he realizes how he got to the point where he is now. He said he’s been to therapy, but Kate hasn’t, which I totally believe. But I don’t get the feeling that he understands how his personality also contributed to this. Sure, Kate’s a shrew, but there’s a reason she chose somebody like Jon. If Jon had been an actual person, maybe they never would have been together. But he wasn’t. He was clay in Kate’s hands and he “loved” her so he changed for her. And what we’re seeing now? That’s what always happens in these types of situations.

And, of course, I must bring it all back around to parenting. Lena and Liberty are naturally nice and lovely and they’ll do whatever you say and it’s very easy to take advantage of them. We have had to fight really hard to teach them to stand up for themselves even against us. They’re 10 now, and they’re getting better at it. But, in our society, we seem to value niceness above all else and that’s not right. Look where niceness got Jon Gosselin. When my kids and I are standing in line at the grocery store and they’re reading the headlines, I use Jon as an example to Lena and Liberty. I tell them that this is all happening because he didn’t know himself and he didn’t love himself enough to actually be himself in the beginning of his relationship with Kate. No relationship is worth just being a shell of a person.

Now, Maya seems more split down the middle of Jon and Kate, depending on lots of things. If she were a little bit older, I might use Kate as an example and tell her that this is all happening because of the Jon thing, but also because Kate doesn’t understand the value of being in a relationship with somebody who is more than a shell. I don’t know. I think it’s easier to teach a young Kate to lay off than it is to teach a young Jon to stand up for himself. A touch of, “Kid, you better chill because your friend said ‘no’ and no means no,” is easier to teach than, “It’s ok to say no, if you want to say no. If so-and-so is sad because you said no, that’s ok. It’s ok if they’re sad, you are not responsible for their feelings. You’ll be sad if you say yes when you really want to say no. Don’t your feelings count? If your friend is a true friend, they’ll be sad but they’ll see that it’s ok for you to not do it and you can still be friends. If they don’t understand that, then it’s not worth sacrificing your comfort for theirs. And maybe they won’t understand at first, but they’ll eventually understand, blah, blah, blah.” Ugh, that’s a lot of words and, actually, there are more words that go to that speech that we’ve been using for the past 6 or so years over and over and in a million different situations, but if it means they learn to not be a Jon Gosselin, then I’ll keep repeating it.

P.S. Jon, you can use my above speech on Cara from time to time. That kid is heading for Ultimate Doormat status and it really breaks my heart when you talk about how much she loves sports. Maybe she does, but maybe she’s also learned that that’s what you love and you are her very first love and she sees how your eyes light up when you talk about how she loves sports and how good she is at everything. And she sees you roll your eyes when you talk about how Mady is just the opposite. Just think about it. You never know. I’m just sayin’.

P.P.S. Mady sees your eyes light up when you talk about Cara’s interests, and she sees you roll your eyes when you talk about hers. I’m just sayin’.