I have a family of origin

This is heavy, but not blogging it seems to be blocking any fun blogging I might do. And, dammit, I am nothing if not a fun blogger.

We don’t have a lot of family traditions that have been lovingly passed down from generation to generation. I used to think it was just because my parents were kind of lazy and drunk a lot, but now I know the truth. Because I’m kind of lazy and drunk from time to time, too, but we still have some first-generation traditions.

My mom used to make cinnamon rolls once every few years on Christmas morning. I don’t really remember it too often from my childhood, but that could be because I wasn’t really into them back then. In the past few years she has told me that she made them every year, so what do I know? I know she used frozen bread dough and joked about how her insane mom used to make them from scratch. Adding to the “joke,” she’d say, “Of course, then she’d end up pulling our hair and calling us all sluts,” and she’d laugh. Hahahaha. “So, see? It’s better to use frozen dough.” So funny.

I like to bake, but I don’t do the cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning. And it’s because I don’t want to pass down my grandmother’s tradition. Because she’s mean. And I don’t want her little mean pieces being passed on through her stupid, yummy cinnamon rolls. This is the first time I’ve really understood that her meanness is the reason I don’t pass it on. I know this because the one and only passed-down tradition I loved to cling to was my dad’s family tradition of Christmas Eve hot cocoa in a Santa mug. It’s a tradition from my long-dead Grandma Lena. I’ve written about her before. She’s the one that died when my dad was 14. I never knew her, but there she sits on her pedestal.

We did not practice Grandma Lena’s tradition when we were growing up. My dad had his original Santa mug from when he was a little boy and it was always used as decoration during Christmas; never for function. It wasn’t until, I don’t know, between 8 and 10 years ago, that all of his grandkids started receiving Santa mugs in order to carry out the Christmas Eve cocoa tradition. I, as the one who always craved this kind of tradition, jumped all over it enthusiastically every single Christmas. This year? I’m dreading it. I don’t want to pass it on. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to keep the Santa mugs sacred until the big day. I don’t want Christmas to come. I couldn’t figure out why there was this niggling dread in the back of my mind, but now I realize it’s because my dad is, this year and not for the first time, a big schmuck.

After my parents divorced when I was 12, I worked hard to get to a good relationship place with him and his second wife, whom my kids refer to as “Grandma.” Really hard. It took all the way until I was about 24 or 25, but it was good. It was good until last year when he left his second wife and her kids and grandkids for another woman. He sacrificed us, his first family, for this second family and then he left them. And I don’t like that. And I’m having trouble with him. And so I’m having trouble with his traditions. And now I know that this is what kills family traditions. Family connections are broken, so what’s the point of traditions? If that connection is gone and you don’t want it back, then you don’t need the traditions. It feels false to carry it on with my kids with the usual, cheery, “This is how Grandpa used to spend his Christmas Eve with his little brother and your Great-Grandma Lena,” because who cares? Who really cares? I don’t care.

*sigh*

But I will do it again this year. I will. Probably. Because it really has become our own tradition and, I think, being aware of the reason I don’t want to do it helps a little. It’s our tradition. Yes, my dad’s bits and pieces are all over it. And part of me believes that his bits and pieces should be shunned forever. But I don’t want to pass on our truest and most-followed family tradition: detachment. I don’t. I’ll make the stupid, yummy cinnamon rolls too. And I’ll tell the kids that their Great-Grandma Devereaux (the one that they’ve seen only a handful of times and, no, she’s not dead yet) used to make them, and their Grandma Marilyn used to make them and we’ll talk about traditions and sadness and detachment and connection and disconnection and how sometimes it’s too late, but how we can do better. It’ll be more fun than it sounds.

It will be just like when we make my mother-in-law’s peanut butter balls and we talk about how Nana gave us the recipe and she’s been making them for a looong time. And how we talk about Grandma Hattie’s cut-out cookie recipe (even though she was just my babysitter and not a real relative at all, but more real than most.) And how we talk about most of the ornaments on our tree. They all came from somewhere else. My parents made some of them together when they made folk art in the ’80s. The rest have been gifts from my mom, my inlaws, my dad and my ex-stepmom. There is connection all over this disjointed family, in spite of ourselves. And it’s ok to pass it on.