It's like Tuesdays with Morrie without all the wisdom
Archive for September, 2009
Feckless Friday: Panic! At the Whole Foods Edition
16September 25, 2009
by Abby
in I am feckless
There are two things that I buy at Whole Foods: Ecover dishwashing powder (because it’s the only brand that works) and Snowville Creamery 1/2 and 1/2 (because Weiland’s is always, always out of it and it’s soooo flippin’ good). But one time, I needed chia seeds and hemp powder and raw cocoa and goji berries in order to boost my post-run green smoothies, so I had to go there. If you’re not familiar, that store is huge and just way too hip for me and just too, too much. I had to call a friend no less than 3 times while looking for those 3 things. But that’s not the worst part.
After that, the kids and I got some pizza from their cafeteria-type thing. Holy crap, mine had pears, bacon, and gorgonzola on it and I almost converted to making the Whole Foods pizza counter a weekly thing. We ate, gathered up all of our garbage, er, “waste” and when I looked around to where we were supposed to either throw stuff away or recycle it (2 things I can handle), I saw that there were, like, 47 other choices besides garbage and recycling.
Each bin was labeled with words and pictures of acceptable stuff. So the garbage one looked like this:
The compost bin looked like this:
I shushed the kids while they screamed, “MOMMY! WHY DON’T YOU KNOW HOW TO USE WHOLE FOODS?” And then I stuffed our garbage into one of our recycled, reusable grocery bags (“I used to be a plastic bottle! Now I make poor people feel bad about themselves!”) and I took it all home with me.
I took my garbage home with me.
I don’t know how to use the Whole Foods. The end.
This is my Feckless Friday post. Please play along.
Breastfeeding is Like a Tarantino Flick
15September 22, 2009
You know that scene in “Pulp Fiction“ where Pumpkin and Honey Bunny are trying to rob the diner? Only Samuel L. Jackson’s Jules isn’t going to let that happen? Pumpkin and Honey Bunny are all confident and robbing the joint and everything until they come to Jules and everything and everyone just flips the ef out for a bit and Jules is all, “Tell that bitch to be cool!” That whole scene is what it’s like to bring a breastfeeding newborn home from the hospital.
Pumpkin and Honey Bunny are the new mom. And Jules is the the breastfeeding. He’s the hiccups along the way and he’s the voice of “this is how it’s going to happen. You’re gonna be cool, and we’re gonna get this done.”
Every time it works, it’s like when Jules gives Pumpkin the $1500 from his wallet. Then Vincent (John Travolta) has to go and undermine that success by running his stupid mouth. Like, say, power-tripping nurses and our own insecurity. When Jules quotes that Bible passage at the end, “those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers” are clearly all of the people in a new mom’s life who think they know better how to care for her baby and who take it as a personal affront that a brand-spanking-new mom would deign to have an opinion and a need to do something for her baby that only she can do for him. They attempt to poison and destroy the breastfeeding relationship because of they are selfish and they are insecure and their egos get in the way of helping mothers and babies. And it’s bull.
This clip is definitely not safe for work or children:
Yeah, it’s like that. For about a week. The longest week of your life. A week isn’t that long, and I do miss my babies, but you could not pay me to go back to that week full of chaos, doubt, tears, pain, small successes, huge setbacks, fear, shame, insecurity, mistrust, feelings of rejection, perplexity, and all around effed up shit. You couldn’t pay me to go back. And you couldn’t pay me to not go through it because, eventually, on the other side, you suddenly look down and you’ve latched your baby on without a second thought. Just like that, the turmoil is over and you walk out of the diner with $1500 and a brand-new life. I wish there were a way to get there without going through hell week, but, in general (I know there are exceptions), the people who surround a new mother make hell week inevitable.
Just be cool, bitches. It’ll all be ok.
Feckless Friday: Beer Song Edition
3September 18, 2009
by Abby
in I am feckless
You know that precious muscial called The Sound of Music? Well, it’s a real crowd pleaser (assuming I’m not in the crowd) and there’s this song in it called “Do-Re-Mi,” which my children were trying to sing a while ago. And then when they asked me how a certain part goes, I might have accidentally taught them the equally classic and crowd-pleasing song “Dos-Ray-Me.”
Dos, a beer, a Mexican beer
Ray, the guy who buys me beer
Me, the guy Ray buys beer for
Far, a long way to the bar
So, I think I’ll have a beer
La, A la-la-lots of beer
Tea, No thanks, I’ll have a beer
Or something like that. I’m not clear on the details, but it’s much more entertaining (and, frankly, it makes more sense) than that other song. Until you hear your 10 year old singing it. To be fair, I didn’t set out to teach them the song. When Maya asked about “Do-Re-Mi,” we were in the car and after singing that, I giggled. I said to Bryan, “Remember that beer song?” and then we both giggled and Lena (I think it was Lena, though it could have been Liberty. It’s hard to keep these things straight. It was a 10-year-old girl hollering from the backseat) asked, “How does the beer song go, Mummy?” And, at first, I said, “Well, Precious, beer songs are only for those 21 and older. I’ll not sully your soul by singing it. Merely hearing the song might make you want to drink a-la-la-lots of beer.”* To which Lena (or Liberty) replied, “Oh, thank you, Mummy. Thank you for always keeping me pure.”
But then I sang it anyway because it’s funny.
This is my Feckless Friday post. You know you want to play along.
*What do you mean “that doesn’t sound like something you’d say”? You don’t know me!**
**Fine, none of that ever happened. I just sang it right away. FINE!
I Like Faith
14September 17, 2009
And I like tattoos. My friend Kristen just got her first-ever tattoo. If you follow me on Twitter, you know she regrets not getting inked while she was in prison, but now she has no regrets. Her tattoo is beautiful. And I don’t use that word lightly. I only use it for things that are truly beautiful, like donuts delivered right to your door. Oh, and babies. Some babies are beautiful. All of mine were. Some of yours probably are, too. Anyway, Kristen’s tattoo is beautiful. And now I want a new one.
I have a dumb cherub on my shoulder. It needs to die. When I was at Thrill Vulture with Kristen, I searched and searched for something that I liked enough to cover up that cherub. I asked myself, “What do you like? Why don’t you know what you like?” I finally realized that I like faith and I like humor. While faith lends itself naturally to the tattoo art, humor really doesn’t, which is a bummer.
So me and Jesus? We tight. But, I don’t know if you can tell by reading my blog, I’m not really comfortable with Christianity as a whole. I have some issues. Issues with trust and with people and with arbitrariness and with, oh, lots of stuff. In spite of my many, many issues, I think I’m going to go with the classic nice-looking cross with one of my favorite verses on it. Here are my choices:
John 8:7 Jesus says, “What, like you’ve never done a shit thing? Line up, we’re gonna stone you too. That’s what I thought. Don’t be a dick.“
Matthew 7:1 Jesus says, “Dude, you’re an ass, too. I can say that about people because I’m the Son of God, but you can’t say that cuz you suck. Don’t be a dick.“
Matthew 5:3-12 “It’s so much more awesome to not be a dick than it is to be a dick.“
Romans 14:22 “Believe stuff, but don’t be a dick about it.”
I’m not sure what translation that is. I think maybe it’s the “Jesus, what’s your favorite curse word?” edition by James Lipton from “Inside the Actor’s Studio.” Jesus’ favorite curse word is absolutely “dick.” Or maybe “Jesus H. Christ.” Either way.
So now I’m saving my pennies and looking at tats. I suppose I could always go with Snowman Jesus, but I don’t want to offend anyone. People are touchy about that kind of thing.
Feckless Friday: Red Letter Edition
5September 11, 2009
by Abby
in I am feckless
Let’s play a game! We’ll call it “Feckless Friday” and it will be just like “Wordless Wednesday” only not as popular and not as precious! I’ll go first. Then you go on your blog or Facebook or Twitter or whatever and just go like this. “Feckless Friday: I spilled my pumpkin spice latte on my lap and then I punched the barista in the face because she made it too hot.” You can include a picture if you want. Or, you can point out somebody else’s fecklessness. For instance, “There’s this stupid blog I just can’t stop reading because it’s like a frickin’ car crash. ‘Sundays with Stupid Pants’ or something like that. She loves the gays, she’s an Obamatard, she says she homeschools, but there’s never any evidence of that, and she makes fun of religion. I’d link to it, but then I’d have to punch my computer in the face.” And then leave a link to your Feckless Friday entry in the comments so we can all come see, ok? And I think you’re supposed to link back to me, too, but I don’t have ads anymore so I don’t care if you do that or not. I won’t get paid or anything and you’ll just invite more people to disown me. Either way, ok? GO!
Here’s my example of fecklessness:
I’m laughing at you because you think I’m white. Love, Jesus
All good Christians know that Jesus only speaks in red letters. (I put that link in so my regular readers would understand).
See? I call myself a Christian, but I insist on doing things like this. I am inept at Christianity. I am a feckless Christian. Now you try.
