What Happened to Me?
I loved that debate! I love it when the camera stays on McCain’s face when Obama’s talking and he makes all of his weird faces. It would be hard watching that as an undecided voter. In order to really focus on the issues, I would have to listen to it with no picture. Anyway…
Dawn asked me what happened to make me change from a conservative to a liberal and this article about William F. Buckley’s son, Christopher, and his endorsement of Barack Obama and subsequent resignation from the National Review has me thinking even more.
The short answer that I gave Dawn was something like, “I have higher self-esteem now,” and I’d really like to think it’s something deep like that, but, really, I think Bryan hit the nail on the head when I asked him what he thinks changed and he said, “Well, you’re old now.”
He’s right. It’s oldness. It manifests itself in a couple of different ways, but it’s oldness. I never really cared about politics before, but now I do because I’m old and I have old-people interests. Like politics. And when I started looking at the issues, as old people are wont to do, I became a liberal.
I used to just vote for the candidate that my dad and my pastor voted for. You know, because I have those issues. What if I died and God was all, “So. ‘Abby’ is it? Is that what you go by down there? Says here you voted for Kerry in ‘04, is that right? Even after you saw those unfortunate wind-surfing pictures? I’m sorry, but Jesus’ blood doesn’t cover that sin.” And I’d stammer and blush and cry and it would just be a terrible way to begin my afterlife. And don’t get me started about my dad. You can actually feel the heart attack coming when we talk politics, which I do not ever bring up with him.
Mostly, though, the oldness manifests itself in ways that have more to do with boring things like worrying about money thingies. We have more education, but less money than we did 8 years ago. And that shit just ain’t right.
And my views on God have changed, too. I think Jesus is a liberal. That thought used to be way in the back of my head, way back when I worked at the Christian bookstore and those WWJD bracelets were invented. Oh, you didn’t know I used to work at a Christian bookstore? Yes, I did. For years. In fact, I used to go to a Pentecostal Christian church. It was my innoculation against everything that went wrong in my parents’ lives. I was the perfect receptacle for the “God-shaped hole” speech. Except, pentecostalism is kind of weird never quite fit. A lot of pentecostals believe that if you don’t speak in tongues, God doesn’t hear your prayers. That never came from the pulpit (my pastor was amazing, exceptional even; he didn’t even have a pulpit because that’s how hip he was), but it did come from people in the church. That, and the whole what-sin-have-you-not-confessed-that-gave-your-baby-a-birth-defect issue. Anyway, I’ve never spoken in tongues and, in fact, I was always quite perplexed and distracted by it when it happened in my presence. It’s very distracting. Seriously, go youtube it and tell me you can get your prayer on with people doing that around you. Maybe it was just the devil distracting me. I don’t think so, though, because usually when the devil wants to distract me he uses p0rn. And booze.
I also went to a regular old kind of church. And that was ok for a while, but then we moved and, well, I don’t really like going to church all that much. It’s because of all of my filthy sin. Oh, and the people. I’m not very comfortable around church people. When I was a brand-new Christian, excited about this fancy easy-peasy protection against all of the evil in the world, I thought I would like Christian people, but that was because I didn’t know any. Here’s how naive I was: Shortly after hearing the “God-shaped hole” speech, I got a job at a Christian bookstore and expressed to my manager something along the lines of, “Oh my goodness, it must be so awesome working with Christians and…and…waiting on Christians, and well golly, it just must be a swell work environment.” I may not remember exactly what I said, but I’ll never forget the look on that manager’s face as he slowly put his cap on his pen, pushed his glasses up his nose, sighed, looked me in the eye and said, “Let me tell you something about Christians. They’re just people.” He shook his head slowly, rubbed his temples and said, “They’re all just human people.” And I thought, “Yeah, really swell human people!”
Anyway, I was a conservative and now I’m not. It’s because I’m old and because of cults. Or Jesus. Or the unchurched. Or the undead. Or the unpaid. I can’t remember where I was going with this, but I think I mean to say that people just change. And I have no pocket change. And now I’m voting for change. The end.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:06 am
Speaking of old liberals, I remember in some women’s studies class I had we were talking about old ladies and how these old ladies were doing amazing things and we young people acted surprised and our teacher said, “Oh don’t put it past the old women. They KNOW things because they have lived long enough to know them. Old women are usually feminists.”
I cling to that many days what with the young people saying, “I wouldn’t call myself a FEMINIST or anything.” Maybe they’ll grow into being feminists.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:12 am
I’m fascinated by your political and spiritual evolution, Abby. Oops, I said evolution.
Have you seen the documentary “Jesus Camp?” I felt so sad for those poor Pentecostal kids, writhing on the floor sobbing, speaking in tongues and taking on the sins of the world. I wanted to rush in and dole out hugs and Harry Potter.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:50 am
@ Carol… OK, you know Harry Potter is straight from the devil, right? Can’t let anyone read about… magic… ARRGHH.. hehehe
devil wants to distract me he uses p0rn. And booze… jeez Abbs… that devil ain’t too creative; he uses the same distractions on lots of us. Debbie (my wife, no your mother in law. And by My, I don’t mean I possess or own her, just that she is the person I co-habitate with and that cohabitation was approved by Clark County Nevada after a ceremony by a retired minister, authorized to perform such things, in a small chapel in Las Vegas (no, no Elvis, no drive thru, it was an actual chapel with pews, an alter, flowers, dress, tuxedoes, etc. We just walked thru the Sands Casino afterwards on the way to our room for, um, consummation. All the slot players cheered (us walking thru, not the consummation. although…))
Anyway, Debbie had a pentecostal roommate for a time (No, I’m not costalist (?), i have pentacostal friends). Anyway, spoke in tongues, couldn’t cut her hair, couldn’t wear pants (skirts only), ministered to prisoners (which seemed to include conjugal ministry when they were released….). Then she left the church and became a heathen…. really.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:56 am
@Carol Jesus Camp? Um, yes. That’s how it really is for some of them.
I fascinate myself as well, thank you.
I think personal change is so hard for everybody, the person changing and the people around the person changing. Really, though, it’s only natural that what we believe when we’re 19 is not necessarily what we believe when we’re 33. I think it happens for everybody, but I think it’s hard. A nice, safe little box would be simpler.
BTW, did you ever read that Time magazine article about Mother Theresa’s faith struggle? Talk about fascinating. Wow.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:58 am
2 last things… I like Potter, I LOVE Tolkien and most things Fantasy or Sci Fi…
AND… Abby.. your pregnant pic that you linked in this post… HOLY CRAP! I had forgotten how big those little gals made you. I do remember the surgeries, the issues, and if any of your church members gave you grief that God put them little girls (and you and Bryan) through that as some sort of ‘punishment’, well, f**k em. Who really owes you is Maya… after what you went through with the twins, another pregnancy… wow. We don’t see you all as often as we should, but just from what I have seen, you and Bryan are doing a helluva job raising those girls. Just gotta give props; these big issues are important, but I wanted you both to know that your talents as parents are noticed.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Abby - you should build on your blog and write a book. I know some bloggers get book deals after they obtain a cult following. Don’t wait for something that may not happen. Write the book and let the product sell itself. Most everyone experiences transitions such as yours; they just don’t realize it is taking place. Put your experience in words; show people how to seize their transformation and make the most of life. I suspect I’m not the only one that has suggested you have a gift.
BTW - I have another transition for you and Bryan. The Michigan football thing has got to go away forever. I never thought I would get to say it, but Michigan Football is dying a quick and long overdue death. Come to the other side. Go Spartans!
October 16th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Wow, this is interesting. My best friend as a kid had a dad who was a evangelical minister, but she lived with her mom, who was a lounge singer. I was raised by a feminist so when I sampled life as a born-again person who believed in faith healing at age 10 or 11, I think she would have preferred almost any other form of rebellion ON EARTH. (I couldn’t get the tongues or healing to work, and the conservative, punitive Jesus made him seem scary to me so I don’t think it lasted more than a month.) Ultimately, I was confirmed at a church that also has a NARAL office that asked me to become a deacon (to be ordained!) at 15, so the revolutionary, liberal Jesus and I are sympatico. The amazing, philosophical minister that wasn’t afraid to give controversial, progressive sermons confirmed me left the church, though, so I didn’t do the deacon thing.
Anyway, my friend stayed pretty left of center most of her life, but her mom (who stopped singing and remarried to a lawyer long ago) has become much more conservative because she hates taxes. Now my friend is slipping down that path too. She’s engaged to a man with a McCain sticker and thinks Glenn Beck is reasonable. She turns forty next year. AAAAAAH!
Are you quite sure that there’s nothing I can just slip into her coffee?
P.S. Thank you for writing this so I could let this go. I’d blog about it, but she reads my blog and she already almost never calls me back even though I am the only friend who was woman enough to show up for her conservative fiancés 40th birthday party and treat him like family. Phew.
October 16th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
@Tracy my parents would have preferred I rebelled in a much less self-righteous way as well. Why do all the good ministers end up leaving? Hmmm…I wonder if it has something to do with the establishment? Darn establsihment.
@Adam You’re so silly. Books have, like, hundreds of words in them.
Oh, and if you EVER talk bad about Michigan football on my blog again, I will block your IP address, lickety-split! It’s a TRANSITIONAL year!
@Tony Fantasy and Sci-Fi were invented by the devil. The devil’s a huge nerd. I love fantasy and sci-fi, which is also a brand-new thing, and the fundamentalists would say it’s my enjoyment of these things which has led to my unfortunate backslide.
October 16th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Hey… server errored.
Like I said earlier, bit Sci Fi geek. Tolkien even changed my views of cap punishment:
Gandalf: “Deserves to die?? I daresay he does; many who live deserve death. And some who die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be to swift to deal death in the name of justice. ” (from JRR Tolkien “The Fellowship of the Ring”
Doesn’t sound to devilly… but what do I know?