We’re Supposed to do Things Right?
Dawn tagged everybody with this meme about 3 things we do well as mothers, and then she verbally assaulted me at the park yesterday and threatened my life if I didn’t do it. (Not really, she just asked me to do it and so I am. Because she’s the boss of me. But you can totally see her verbally assaulting me, right?)
1. I take an interest in what they find interesting even if I find it horrendous. You know, so we can talk about it and I can be excited about it with them. I think they like that.
2. I cuddle with them endlessly.
3. I’m teaching them that their feelings matter and that they don’t have to go along with something just to avoid hurting a friend’s feelings.
Number 3 has been more uncomfortable for me than anything I’ve ever done as a parent. And that includes saying the word vulva. This seems to come naturally to Maya so far, but for the rest of us, it is hard to say no to people we like. It is hard for me to allow my kids to say no to playdates or birthday parties, but if they don’t want to go, I’m not making them go, despite my extreme discomfort. It literally goes against my make-up as a precious pleaser to do this (right now, my Ohio friends are saying, “What? You’re the biggest bitch I know!” and I’ll take that as a compliment, thankyouverymuch.) In the past, Lena and Liberty have asked, “What if so-and-so gets mad at me because I don’t want to go to his birthday party?” And, while my instinct is to say, “You’re right! We don’t want people to get mad at us. What will we do if somebody gets mad at us? I guess we better just ignore your feelings for the sake of somebody else’s feelings. Get in the car,” I have choked down that sentiment, broke out in a cold sweat and said, “Well, darlings, it’s like this: Your feelings matter. If your friend gets mad at you just because you’re not comfortable going to his birthday party, that is your friend’s issue, not yours. You aren’t in charge of other people’s feelings. Chances are, your friend will come to understand and respect your feelings. If he doesn’t, then he’s not a true friend.” And then I passed out from the effort of conveying this most basic truth of humanity. Our own feelings matter? WTF?
This trip is hard. Dawn is right when she says other parents make all the difference in the world. We need other parents who can be open and honest about the struggles in their parenting, the struggles in their marriage, the struggles in their lives. And you know what? We need to be able to talkabout the good things without setting off a competition. If it comes up in conversation that I cuddled with Lena while she talked about her Pokemon DS game for ten minutes, it makes me uncomfortable when another mom comes back with, “Well, I cuddled with my precious for even longer while she was talking about something even more boring to me.” It makes me feel like I made her insecure with my very small good thing and I didn’t mean to do that. And then it makes me feel like I’m in a competition that I didn’t know I was in. I usually get a free t-shirt whenever I sign up for a competition. I don’t have one, so I didn’t sign up. Stop it.
This is not a new idea, but we really, really do just need to be able to share and not be judged or fixed or competed with. It’s amazing how many of the posts for this meme start off with something to the effect of, “I’m supposed to say what I do right as a mother, but there are so many things I do wrong,” even though the instructions clearly say we’re not supposed to say that. We can’t help it. We’ve been burned too many times by the mommy olympics and we’re afraid that if we say we’re doing three whole things right, 800 other mommies are going to feel insecure and point out exactly what we’re doing wrong, or what they’re doing better. Stop it. We don’t need that shit. Let’s celebrate ourselves because, no matter what we do, our kids are going to be pissed at us. Let’s just be there for each other when it happens.
Oh, I’m tagging Mechelle, TooTightPonytailGirl, Sharon, Alissa, and Kristen. Five chicks who are ever so hard on themselves and deserve to talk about what they do right because there is a lot. A whole effin’ lot.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:45 am
There’s this song that’s on some kid song CD that goes, “Four hugs a day! That’s the minimum! Four hugs a day! NOT the maximum!” And it so happens to be on whenever there’s a day where I haven’t hugged Noah four times. (The little one is easy to hug since she’s usually sitting on my leg.) And he always points this out. Lordy lordy.
So I guess with the honoring feelings and letting them say no you’re probably not going to bully Maya into coming over so Madison doesn’t whine, eh? Rats. (I kid! I kid! Madison is half-expecting that Maya won’t come over! She knows how she is! She knows how her own self is! I pointed out that it’d be hypocritical to hold Maya to a higher standard than she holds herself!)
May 16th, 2008 at 10:55 am
That’s sweet that Noah reminds you. I hope he never outgrows it.
Yeah, Maya can’t be bullied. It would be easy to do that to Lena and Liberty, which is probably why I freak out about it so much with them. But Maya? If I hinted at the fact that Maddie might miss her or be sad that she’s not coming, she would be like, “And why is that my problem?” I’m glad on the one hand, but my heart races when she does that. See, it’s ok if I talk them into standing up for themselves, but it’s not ok if they stand up for themselves on their own. I’m an idiot. Thank you for understanding.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Abby, I can so relate! My kids have been the best teachers for us though I am more willing to learn than hubby. My kids are not people pleasers and yes that even extends to me! One of my older boys did not want to work a job with my BIL. This caused my DH a whole lot of discomfort and he tried hard to get son to do it. Son finally said “You just want me to do it because it’s your brother” (said in a tone which implied and you are going to have to feel if I don’t, and he didn’t)
Sometimes I have to just stand in awe and take it in. Like WOW, even if they are doing it to me. I never had that power. (Now I do sometimes, way more than ever but I think turning 50 is magic and I am older than 50, LOL) I think it’s hard to learning where I end and they begin but I am getting better at that too. When I think about it I don’t have to feel whatever emotion that I usually do when my kids do not respond as codependents to others. Like if they don’t send a thank you note and I know it. Mine are all old enough to carry that on their own shoulders and I am learning to step aside and not let people hold me accountable for my adult children’s shortcomings or what people think are their shortcomings. WHEW!
May 16th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
So true, so true!
I’ve been using the “I’m not responsible for other people’s actions and reactions” for a while but maybe I should extend that to my kid too…that way I won’t cringe either when she displays the courage I encouraged!LOL
May 17th, 2008 at 12:50 am
You are really good at #3-1 and 2 also but 3-wow! I should die so my kids would be in better hands!!
May 17th, 2008 at 7:45 am
I have not known you long, but I have to say I see you as a Mom who is great at supporting her kids emotionally. And the only kind of bitch you seem to be is the kind I admire, the kind every kid needs in his or her corner.
What you and Dawn say about other parents making all the difference is spot on. Since pregnancy, I have been very lucky to be surrounded by other parents who were open enough to admit it ain’t always easy and that they are not perfect, though they sometimes look it from where I’m sitting. I don’t know how anyone could parent well, and trust herself to parent well, in a bubble. I would question my every move (even more than I already do) if it weren’t for the comments, advice and examples set by other parents I admire.
May 17th, 2008 at 9:34 am
I don’t think you are a bitch! Crazy as a loon, sure… well, and kind of a bitch too… but in a GOOD way.
And since I know your future happiness depends on validation- I calmly explained to the boys that they like things LOUD and FAST and that’s GREAT… and L&L like things not-quite-so LOUD and not-quite-so FAST and that’s GREAT too… but not at the same time. Of course, they didn’t use names, because at this age apparently few kids actually have names… most are identified by their family situation and type of toys. You are “Those 4 girls, with the pokemon, you ‘member?” Yup, yer a ‘girl’ Abby. Do you feel girlish? I told you they asked about you guys on St Patrick’s Day, right? One little impromtu bash a year or so ago and you will forever be connected with that holiday.
I know, I know, my validation can suck a nut… But I wanted you to know I love ya anyway. :*
May 17th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Oh, hey. Look! You tagged me. That’s good. I need to think about the good stuff I do.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
P.S. vulva
May 17th, 2008 at 9:58 am
P.P.S. word on the number 3 paragraph and the competition thang. Why do we feel we need to be responsible for other people’s feelings? Like we don’t have enough of our own to carry around. I’ve been working on this one for a long time.
May 18th, 2008 at 9:19 am
I like that all of you are the same kind of loony bitches, too.
Kendra, I do feel downright girlish. Wheee!