Wink, wink, nudge, nudge
Because I have daughters who are precious pleasers, I spend a lot of time trying to teach them that they have rights and that they have the right to say no to anything, no matter what. At this point, the conversations like that are mostly centered around their not wanting to go to a birthday party or not wanting to have a certain friend over or something like that. They get concerned that the friend who is being rejected will feel sad or mad and I assure them that it’s ok if a friend is sad or mad, but it’s not ok for the friend to use their sadness to manipulate them into doing something they don’t want to do. (I know, I didn’t believe it either, but it turns out that it’s true.) Friends who use emotional manipulation are not good friends, but friends who are understanding even if they’re sad about your choice, those are the good friends.
Of course, I’m hoping this will translate into their teen years when the pressures they’ll face will be of much greater significance and the choices they make will be of much greater consequence. Yes, everything always comes back to sex with me. I know. Shut up. Anyway, I came across this blog post from Hugo Schwyzer, who I think is a little bit crazy, but he has some good points. It’s about how our “no means no” message is somewhat lacking and we have to teach how to interpret the no and the yes.
“…anything short of an authentic, honest, uncoerced, aroused and sober “Hell yes!” is, in the end, just a “no” in another form.”
I thought it was interesting and I wanted to share it. So read it. And then put it to use. And then teach your children how to say no *and* yes. And then teach them how to respond to no in all of its varied forms. Do it! Or don’t do it, you do have the right to say no. And I have the right to not be friends with you anymore if you don’t obey. Oh, wait…
March 2nd, 2008 at 8:26 am
I was just discussing this with Paul last night. I read something yesterday about how our culture still puts the responsibility of sexual assault on women and girls. We have lists of things not to do to help prevent sexual assault. We have a list of things to do in case you are being sexually assaulted. Then we have a list of things to do if we have been sexually assaulted. Though we are told that what we wear doesn’t cause sexual assault and that it is not our fault, we are certainly encouraged to down play and repress our sexuality. So I was like, how do we begin to make a change culturally? How do we really shift responsibility and put it back on men? We need to highly publicize the statistics about men who sexually assault women. We know it is about power. So why are our men feeling so powerless? Could it have something to do with the expectations society has for men to be emotionless, strong, work horses. If they don’t fit this mold, are they really men? Seems we have a whole lot of rewiring to do with our girls and boys. Who is this gender role stuff serving anyway? I mean don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging natural gender differences. Gender research has shown that girls and boys have very different patterns in brain growth and development. Hormones effect behavior and boys and girls, men and women have varying levels of hormones. But, where the whole “role” thing falls apart is when we define ourselves by anything other than what is natural to our core being. I think we really need to educate our boys about being in touch with who they really are. Attaining “manhood” in some rite of passage drinking game at age 18 or whatever is bullshit. Instead of being a “man”, be yourself. That is really, really, really hard to do be you man or woman. Lets love our boys and girls and ourselves as we all strive to attain the right to just be.
PS - I have a friend who has a six year old boy who will ask for something and then try to negotiate when she says “no.” Her response is, “I said NO and NO means NO.” I thought that was very interesting and a good idea with all kids boy or girl. Negotiating that word takes all authority away from the person saying it. That is something to think about. There is something to be said for flexibility. But what message are we saying when we say no to our children and then we let them talk us out of our position? Hmmm. I guess I have some work to do on being clear about my position BEFORE I communicate so that I am not sending an unspoken mixed signal. Maybe I need to spend more time in that place inside myself before the no’s and the yes’s to understand that better. Maybe that is something to talk with our kids about too.
Sorry this is so long. But I was just thinking about this very thing.
March 2nd, 2008 at 8:27 am
“No means no” is one of our favorite sayings around here and it’s great that your friend is teaching her son to understand that. I know what you mean about flexibility being important, though. I really struggle with deciding beforehand if I want to say no, yes, or maybe. Sometimes I throw out a knee-jerk no when really there’s no reason I shouldn’t have said yes. It’s hard.
Sexuality is such a tough thing for girls. If they say yes because they truly want to say yes, they have to deal with stupid consequences from that too. It’s bad enough that their no’s are not heard most of the time, but to then have to deal with the slut vs. stud thing if they want to say yes? It’s all just too much.
Between your 2 boys, Alissa’s 3 boys, and Mechelle’s 3 boys maybe we can start a revolution!
March 2nd, 2008 at 8:27 am
I guess that takes away the infamous “Don’t you say no to me young lady!” comment we heard growing up. I hope our children realize how fortunate they are to have parents (well, mothers really) that they can say no to and be heard.
Thanks for pointing out that Hugo, I skimmed him and didn’t catch that comment!
March 2nd, 2008 at 8:28 am
OMG, you don’t know how many times we heard that growing up. That, and “Don’t you contradict me!” There was definitely an underlying feeling of affection being withheld in the presence of dissension. Not cool.
March 2nd, 2008 at 8:28 am
OK…comments from the testosterone crowd…
First, I agree that sobreity should be key…however, I think you are all young enough and live in a college town to remember…I don’t recall house parties and frat parties being places full of sober guys and drunk girls…I have heard that sex with an inebriated girl is rape. But, what if the guy is just as inebriated? Or, he is drunk and she is sober? Did she rape him?
Second, I found a link that mentioned ‘romance novels’. Again, it seems (in the old ones; I don’t know about now), that the ‘dashing, chiseled bronzed…’ fellow usually had to ‘work for it’…overcome a couple of noes that were really coyness. Again, boys DO read these (we need something when Dad doesn’t have/hides well the magazines). Also, Soaps, etc… I am NOT saying these things make coersion or outright force OK…jsut that they contribute to confusion.
Third, there is the phenomenon of ‘getting drunk’ to have an excuse for behavior…I did what?? how many guys (or girls)? Well, I was wasted…
AGAIN…nothing to suggest violating another’s boundaries is permissible…just that there are lots of complicated issues…
The BIGGEST one… stud vs. slut. Guys…studs; girls…sluts. Well, yeah. It is what it is. My question has always been, how do we correct this? Should we A–reward girls for stud/slut behavior (WOW…you had 100 guys this year. You’re a REAL WOMAN) OR B–try to teach guys that getting a bunch of girls is actually kind of a sad statement on who you are and that it is a pathetic way to live your life. (RELATED: 30 year old teachers (yes even hotties) who sleep with minor students ARE CRIMINAL pedophiles. Sure, everyone says, with a wink, yeah, the poor guy. You know he wanted it. Maybe, but since Teenagers are so together and rational, right, they should be given what they want (all the sex, booze and fast cars)…
Sorry…a bit of a rant, but I have some opinios. Hope I didn’t offend; but if you are wanting to feel offended, remember about opinions and a**holes…
March 2nd, 2008 at 8:29 am
No offense here, you’re just pointing out one of the many things that is wrong with our society today: Boys growing up, taking cues from romance novels and soap operas and not really learning about flesh-and-blood, heart-and-soul, real-life sexuality. Yes, tv and books contribute to confusion in the absence of open and honest communication between parents and children, which is my point. Teach your children well. There should be no confusion when a girl says no once, let alone 5 times before she finally gives in. The repeated no should not be interpreted as coyness, it should be interpreted as, well, no. It was a no until the boy didn’t respect it and the girl started second-guessing herself and the boy convinced her that he would be sad/mad/unsatisfied/in pain/forced to re-evaluate their relationship unless she said yes. That’s emotional manipulation and it is just as wrong as physical manipulation. It goes both ways, though, girls need to be taught that playing at saying no is not good for anybody. If a girl wants to say yes, she should unabashedly say yes and if she wants to say no, she should know that if her partner does not respect that, he isn’t worth being with. The no should be respected, no matter what.
As for getting drunk as an excuse? I think that goes a lot deeper than just wanting an excuse for certain behaviors. It’s not like getting a buzz in order to take the edge off before bungee jumping; there is a psychological issue of some depth when a girl is numbing her feelings in any capacity, but especially as a precursor to sexual activity. Why the numbing? Is it because she’s ashamed of her sexual needs and doesn’t understand that it’s ok to meet those needs? Is it because she feels she doesn’t have a choice because of pressure from her boyfriend? Is it because she doesn’t feel any self-worth to begin with and the alcohol masks that pain and then masks the pain of feeling like the only worth she has is her body? Confusion abounds.
I’m just saying boys need to be taught more than “keep it in your pants or keep it covered,” and girls need to be taught more than “carry mace,” because it isn’t the dark-alley, stranger rape that is the biggest threat out there. It’s the, “Gee, my boyfriend really loves me and I love him, but I’m not really ready and I’ve told him I’m not really ready, but it would just mean so much to him, and he keeps asking, so I guess I’m just going to go ahead and do it and then we’ll be fine,” that is the real danger and though I understand to some men it seems benign, it is so totally not.
And, yes even female teachers that have sex with students are wrong, wrong, wrong. Ew.
No kudos for you!
March 2nd, 2008 at 8:29 am
No kudos? Aw…
hehehe…
And, I think you hit on something even more generalized…the ’stranger’. Strangers look like, well, sinsiter strangers. the nice man with the smile and clean clothes looking for a lost puppy certainly is not the evil ‘Snively Whiplash’ (how many get that reference) I’ve been warned about. When Emily and the boys were with us, one thing we emphasized was that anyone you did not know was a stranger. Seems obvious, but kids want to please, I think. Plus, if they have been raised right then they have a built in respect for the authority of adults. I do not envy you the task of teaching them when that needed respect and obedience can and should be ignored or even loudly denied.
Anyway, I am in awe of anyone who can raise kids and the kids wind up even close to normal!
March 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 am
That was a terrific article to read. As someone who works with teenagers (and teenagers that I see almost every day for the entire four years they are in high school) Schwyzer’s point about the enthusiastic yes is an important one as it plays out more universally for men and women than in the sexual arena alone.
Just yesterday I had a 2 1/2 hour conversation in my office with a just graduated female student who was in an emotional spiral centering around the fact that she wasn’t interesting enough-that she had become boring. Why did she find herself here? Because she had been dumped. Though she didn’t share details, my gut was telling me that there was pressure around sex in the break-up. Her moral compass and attitudes are strong-I’ve witnessed this day in and day out. Even if my gut is wrong, whatever the reasons for the break-up, her self-worth is in question because she was rejected by a guy.
Rejection is something we all have to deal with, but for young women living with the OBNOXIOUS Hilton/Spears/Lohan trifecta of media defined femininity, I am finding myself advocating loudly for my female students to celebrate their strengths and embrace their weaknesses, boys reactions be damned.
And the embracing of the weaknesses part-I stumbled across that in my talk with her yesterday. She identifies herself as hugely insecure, despite being accepted into Ivy League schools, top musician, stellar academic record, etc. And without diving too deep into creepy teacher territory, she is an attractive young woman as well. So anyway…I shared with her that in moments of aloneness, sadness, loneliness fight the instinct to always rely on someone else to help you, someone else to save you from your feelings.
Instead, sit in your feelings, own them, acknowledge them and work through them for yourself. The feeling of trust and accomplishment that comes from making it through a crap patch alone in my honest opinion is where self-esteem is built. Self reliance comes in knowing when we can take care of ourselves and when we do really need the support of another. Always now for young people an agreeable ear is only an IM, text message or cell phone call away. The ability to turn to someone immediately when things are tough sometimes makes it easier for us to forget we can take care of our own emotional well being, too.
Ok, so long rant and WAY off the issue of “No means no.” But as a mom with three daughters, please know that as a male teacher it is a benchmark of my classroom environment that the females feel equally safe and protected as the males. We are out here!
And, for the record, I’m not a guy hater. How I take care of my male students is a different response.
Eww…that sounded gross. Sorry.