Sundays with Stretchy Pants

I want to thank Nikki and Elizabeth for introducing me to Buckeye Donuts. You guys are assholes. Seriously, I really needed to know of a donut shop that delivers on orders over 5 bucks. I mean, I can eat 5 dollars worth of donuts all by myself so it’s never really a matter of, “Hmm…I’d like a donut, but I don’t really want to go so close to campus to get the best donut ever made, but I don’t want to order $5 worth and have them deliver them. Oh well, I guess I’ll just eat this asparagus instead.” No, it’s more like, “Want donut! Call donut place now!” They really need to up the delivery minimum to, say, $20. That might make me think twice.

And hey, Columbus, can we put the word “buckeye” in even more place names around here? Because I’m not sure you’re supporting OSU enough. Buckeye Donuts, Buckeye Auto Glass, Buckeye Cabinetry & Refinishing, Buckeye Laser Printer, Buckeye Drink Your Face Off Bar (north), Buckeye Drink Your Face Off Bar (south), Buckeye Temple, First Unitarian Buckeye Church of the Buckeyes. I get it, Columbus loves them some OSU. It’s sweet. And by “sweet” I mean really annoying to wolverines like me. There are even State Farm Insurance billboards that say, “In case you hit a wolverine.” That’s not funny. We’re not afraid of you! And what kind of a mascot is a buckeye anyway? “Oh no, it’s a buckeye! Watch out, it’s poisonous and you might get a tummy ache or a rash!” Do you know what happens if you come across a wolverine? It eats your face and you never get it back. That’s all I’m saying.